outside

I eat too much.
I drink way too much.
I find that I am trying to fill the voids in my life with things that only create more voids and hangovers the next day.
I miss having babies and purpose and wonder.
I am sad and moody.
I lie to myself and think that I used to be happy back in the day, but I was sad and moody then too.
I lie to myself and think that if only:
I had more money, I could be a stay at home mom, I didn't have to work, I read more good books, I kept my house cleaner, and I spent more time with my kids, and made love to my husband more often, then, yes, then I would be HAPPY! But, it is a lie.
I am trying to change my outlook. Instead of listening to hateful music, I bought a Jason Mraz c.d.
Yes, it sounds shallow and non-life altering, but maybe if I start my day with Lucky or I'm Yours instead of Razor (foo fighters) I will be a little more optimistic. I find Jason Mraz is annoying as hell, but cheesy happy too.
I think maybe I miss having religion... Jesus, in my life... I'm sure that most Christians would say oh Yes Yes, if you were saved.... But, I remember how imperfect and stuffed into a box I was when I was Christian even though the thought of a higher purpose and a loving God is a shiny,
gleaming, wondrous, fairy-tale notion. I am a skeptic by nature and I suspect that even if an angel appeared at my bedside to tell me that God loves me and handed me a flaming haired baby girl, I would only shrug it off as a trick of the eyes and heart.
I need to get outside my own dirty, dilapidated mind and be more than a cesspool of diseased thought.
I don't understand why I am so good at the facade of being happy, but happiness does not absorb me.
I know I have SO MUCH do be grateful for, the list goes on and on and on, but still I am this, me.
I heard somewhere that it is programmed into the human psyche to never be satisfied and always want something more. It is a survival mechanism. Well, all I have to say to that is how shitty! I want to be satisfied. I want to just be... I don't want to have all this anger and dissatisfaction and mostly I do not want the indifference.
So, I guess I will start with Jason Mraz. And, maybe I will just hug my kids more than I usually do, or maybe tickle my 15 year old and ruffle the hair of my 14 year old. I will definitely cover my 12 year old's face with kisses even though he protests yelling gross with a huge smile on his lips. And I will definitely tell my 10 year old how amazing he is and I will go on that nature walk with my 9 year old and a camera to take pictures of the flowers of spring. I will find inspiration in a flower's new beginning and become cleaner and crisper and more vibrant in the spring sunshine and maybe even more optimistic. I'll find time to just revel in being.