january

january is finally over, it is still cold, snow flurries flurry occasionally and i am in a happier place. life is good. life is an adventure worth taking and finding the bravery it takes to live it. exciting. i am headed to az for oh so many reasons, some of which can not be written, others are just for a bit of healing time, family time, escape time, mulling time. so many forks in this road right now, so many ways to go, so many distractions all of which are just as important as the next. wow my vague ways are going to creep up on me... months will pass, years will pass and even i will have no clue what the hell i am talking about!

i still wonder.... am i capable of being in love, for longer than a fleeting moment?
melting?
melding?
wondering where i end and another begins?
touching?
feeling?
really feeling?
allowing someone to remain close
and not demeaning any of it?
opening myself to the possible heartache
or joy?
i don't think i can find the bravery needed for that.
i don't think i want to even look for it.
i am upended.
still.

just another day in the life

it is cold here, snow flurries and temps of 22 degrees in the morning. the steering wheel is too cold to touch, i use my sweater as a buffer and check email while i drive, maimed like. thinking too many thoughts. hoping for something in particular. noticing dilapidated barns, feeling a bit dilapidated myself. wondering how many wicked things i can fit in one day and if karma really is a bitch or as imaginary as a unicorn or cracken. i may have had an epiphany, okay yes i did. i am the devil that wants to f#*& me in the back of the car. no one else quite has that power. deviant? yes, quite often. i am not bragging, just coping, trying to find my balance of good and evil, light and dark, devil and bob, i guess. work is work is work, my life begins when it is over and ends when it begins. i am not me there, i couldn't possibly be me there. and that is good, a good break from me, a chance to be surrounded by innocence and reminded of the simplest things in life. i am looking forward to warmer temperatures and a chance to find distractions outside my head and outside a warm bed.

at sea

i feel like i am being tossed to and fro, climbing to the crest only to crash to the bottom, luckily never been thrown overboard, but finding myself thrown for a loop, brain not functioning correctly