new phone

I finally got another cell phone. It has been over a year. I hate cell phones. It seems like another reminder that we are not connecting with anyone, really. Oh well, I can text my kids and they enjoy texting me, only because they don't have their friends' numbers yet.

The phone is for when we are all in separate households, then we can keep in contact better. Isn't that depressing? Here it is, the real preparations in the moving and the breaking up of our family, now we will be his and mine.
The boys have all taken it (the divorce) well and look forward to having less people in one household, they think it will be easier to maintain and there will be less fighting. I hope they are right.
I am supposed to be moving in a week, but I can not bring myself to pack a thing. I buy a twelve pack of corona light and think if I am a little tipsy, well, just maybe I can even make it fun to pack and separate our one household into two. But, instead, I just drink three or four beers, watch Gossip Girl or some other brain numbing show and go to sleep. Nothing is getting done here. Well, except the mountain of laundry keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I know it is a mental block. So, maybe this weekend instead of beer, I will buy coffee and french vanilla creamer (I only like coffee if it tastes like candy). After three cups of coffee I should be able to tackle any size mountain whether it is made of laundry or my own mental rubble! Here's to coffee! And here's to sifting through the accumulation of a 16 year marriage.

fancy foot flip flop fiesta

So, this is what I do for a living. Tiny, fancy feet are fabulously fantastic! (our letter of the week was F)

divorce becomes her?

I don't know where to start. Life is one big experiment, isn't it? I go in phases of being really snide to my husband and just trying hard to be kind and love him or make him 'feel' so loved that he will feel like maybe he is doing the wrong thing by letting me go. I touch his cheek softly and hope that he realizes how very much he will miss my touch. I am under appreciated here, I know that. I deserve more of so many things in this not so haven-ish home. It is time to move on and in my romantic view of divorce I become I N D E P E N D E N T (do you know what that means). I see myself graduating from college, buying my own home and happily living with my happy children with no man to answer to and I am strong and wise and capable. There is not a codependent bone in my divorced body. But (isn't there always a but), sometimes I just feel afraid and tired. I do not want to be that woman I see so often in the divorced woman culture, that woman that defines herself by the man she can snag and is depressed because she is single. I want to be the woman that realizes that loving herself is the most important person to love and being alone is sometimes the only way to find that love of oneself. I want to be comfortable and proud of who I am. I want to be accomplished and satisfied with the life that I create for myself and my children. I want to feel that I contribute more than I take from this life. And I want to be confident and FEARLESS! I want to believe in myself so that I can believe in others. I want to experience that life is good . I want to really embrace the beauty around me and let it melt away all my bitterness and disappointment. I want true happiness. I want to believe!

today i am a sign seeker, for today

I noticed the magnolias are beginning to bloom! They smell amazing and they are wonderfully crisp and clean. The sign seeker in me says it is pointing to a new beginning for me! I love spring!

















For no particular reason at all, I decided to read my own tarot cards. I have my own Celtic Tarot deck which is for fun, but also insightful. I am questioning what the future holds for me with these amazing (and intimidating) changes that are happening right now. There are forty cards in a Tarot deck and I had to choose randomly from this deck after shuffling. This is what I chose:


In Celtic Tarot tradition this is the simplest layout to find a quick answer. This is what I interpreted from these particular cards and it is really kind of cool!
The first card is the keeper of letters: this could be considered a guide to what will happen on the future journey I will take. The keeper of the letters is the keeper of stories, tradition, and writing. (pretty cool considering my only constant desire has been to write)
The second card is the Woman made of Flowers: she is a representation of our inner self and the discovery of our inner self and true nature (which also is interesting because I am making all of these changes in my life to get back to who I feel I truly am.)
The third card is the Cow: the cow is a representation of wealth and well being. (totally what I need in my life and isn't there wealth in well-being?)
So all in all, it is good. (Remember these are out of a deck of forty different cards. Isn't the occult fun?)

today

When my own boys were little, if they saw me sitting on the floor, they used to just back up and fall, knowing they would land in my lap. They wouldn't even glance behind themselves. They would just plop down without a word. I really, really miss that.

broken record

I think I might be something like a motley crue song played backward right now, definitely not a Prince song backward, I'd like to be oh maybe flight of the bumblebee played backward. In fact, I think I'd like to hear that one right now.

save the trees please

The other day I was driving along in the car and I noticed a man blowing his nose into the lawn without a tissue. Ya know the kind, hold one nostril closed and shoot snot in a slimy projectile type goo! EWWW! (Yes I have done it too, while weed eating and mowing the lawn, while allergies attack like a terrorist!) I remembered this endearing moment with my eighty year old grandmother shooting her snot shot into the toilet, dear old, grey haired, bun on top, mamaw doing her part to protect the environment. NO TISSUE NEEDED! (save the trees please)

in the end

I keep remembering... years ago. This scene flashes through my mind and it puts things into perspective. I told him while sobbing that he was everything, that he was the witness to my life. He was the main character in all the experiences that were important and soul altering. I told him that no matter what, when I left this world, he had to be there for that too, either to welcome me or send me off from this world. I remember the wrenching thought that he wouldn't be there for everything else that came into my life and the pain that it brought. That was years ago. Now, I don't feel the same, I don't have the same belief or faith. That is truly sad. I'm moving out in two weeks.