out on my own

Friday night, I went to play poker. I had a bad beat, pocket pair of Jacks (mine) against pocket nines (his, and he was as annoying as a mosquito at midnight). He ended up with four of a kind. (I rarely, okay never use this word, but this guy was a douche. EEWWWW! I know, but he was loud, obnoxious and had a Boston accent just to twist the knife in a little deeper!) Needless to say, I was out. Oh and pretty mad. So I drove my angry little self home. It was only 10:30. As I drove in my car, I decided I wanted to go dancing. I grabbed my phone, but of course no one would go with me, I knew that. So I put it down and thought, what the hell. I make my own fun. So, I went by myself!
Things I learned while going dancing by myself:
1. you never sit alone long at the bar
2. the beer tastes just as good by yourself or with a gaggle of girls
3. instead of feeling alone, I felt empowered that I was brave enough to go whether or not someone was with me!
4. there are lots of nice girls that go dancing with husbands or boyfriends that don't dance so I always had someone to dance with
5. when I finally do feel that I am ready to find a man, it is going to be very easy to find one


But, it was definitely an experience. I think I have a broken nose now. I never thought that I could get a broken nose from dancing like a whore, but I did! Another hot girl, my age even, from Georgia even, with two boys even, was dancing wildly with me and flung her head back into my face and ta da! Bloody nose! I walked to the bathroom and by the time she caught up to apologize I was laughing about the whole thing! Has this ever happened to anyone else? She told me it wasn't funny and she was so sorry and so embarrassed and all I could do was laugh and try to contain the blood. Now my nose is bruised and even my teeth hurt! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. My first experience going alone.

But, here is some insight, well my insight. Whenever I had a friend going through a divorce I was ALWAYS the one to be the support and the one to drag them out of their house to dance and not sit on the couch bawling. Part of me is sad that I don't have that person to depend on for me as I go through this crap. But, on the other hand, what I learned is that I don't need that person. I am that person. I am my own support system. That makes me feel brave and strong.

Another sad, interesting issue: I read my horoscope this weekend. It said that when I say goodbye to someone (lover or friend) this weekend I shouldn't be surprised at their reaction. They are not as prepared for this goodbye as I am.

Randy is not talking to me this weekend. I packed all day Saturday and took two loads over to my sisters. I asked for his help and he ignored me. I called his phone and texted him a few times and he ignored me. I have so many mixed emotions about this. I am sad for him, but at the same time he had so many years to make me feel like I was his priority and he never did take innitiative. How did he think it all would end? I just have to keep reminding myself that any husband/father that would go to a strip club the night before mother's day and get nothing for his wife/mother of his children is not a man that respects or wants his partner. That one action really sums it all up.