a rainy day rant and if onlies

yes... once again it rains here in Georgia, the flood waters are rising where they have just ebbed away... and here am I, warm with cold toes, dry, drinking my green tea and chewing big red gum with rainy, wicked thoughts dancing through my mind. Thoughts that pertain to a certain someone that really should go unmentioned, but I can't resist... I have too much to say and feel on the effing matter! And, oh, don't I wish that I could rip that part of me that has those feelings out and store it in the freezer until a later date when they could (if ever possible) be acted upon!!! I just need to say FUCK! here.

It all consists of the "if only" man! Sounds like a super hero perhaps, a worker of wonders, someone whose power could change the time space continuum. But, no, he's the one that I didn't choose, that apparently (in my twisted, blinded, self deceiving mind), I should have chosen. The one, that while years pass, and friendships run their course, and children are born, and wrinkles appear in the creases of eyes, and wisdom creeps in and seeps away, and loves of our lives fade, there are still feelings... strong, unwanted feelings.

I tell myself that I don't know him at all... (which may or may not be true) that I project qualities and characteristics all over him! That he is as fictitious as an Anne Rice Viking Vampire that just wants to be "saved"! I have created him, completely, made him into what I think he is and isn't it all just one repulsive, distracting, compulsive lie?

But, then we talk, and I don't have to explain anything because he knows me well enough to know what I am saying while using the fewest amount of words. And he laughs, and I like the warmth of his laughter and the memories that flood back. And I can't help but wonder.... what if we had.... how would my world be different today?

I detest, abhor, and am reviled by the stupidity of it all. And to be completely honest, if I peek my head out from under the blanket of my own self deceptions, I can see that it is a safety mechanism. Isn't it? It is much easier to profess having loved and lost the opportunity to cultivate the love, than it is to admit that I am afraid to allow myself to be open to love ever again. It is easier to cling to unrequited emotions, easier than fearing that I may not be capable of experiencing romance ever again. In my heart of hearts, I have my suspicious thoughts that I am using it as a shield.

But, I want to hash it out... It has been so many, many years now, almost like the mole that you should have removed, but you are so used to it now, why waste the time? Perhaps it is cancer now, well, no perhaps about it. It is eating away at me. Damn, this wonderfully, amazingly painful human condition that we all suffer through. And, damn all the emotions that we use to distract ourselves from what is truly eating at us. I know I am not quite ready to face the authentic, seven headed, fang baring monster. That one is going to hurt, excruciatingly and exquisitely. So I will keep up the pretenses and distractions until I feel strong enough to slay the slumbering beast.