confusion is setting in

sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads don't we? to stay? to go? this direction? straight ahead? or veer from the path? and which is the path that will lead to the place that I will be happiest? is there a right or wrong way? can't I just have a hint? a peek into the future? please?

and now for something a little bit different

just to remind me... we had our first date september 27.
how is it possible that someone can be so considerate? and thoughtful? and generous? hmmm... and when I am with him, it seems that the world melts away and I can say and do anything and tell him anything. and I am so comfortable and perfectly content.

another page

things to catch up on...
his new girlfriend-she is 22, yes 22! Disgusting and I can't help it but what the hell does she see in a fat selfish lazy slob? Oh wait... he always pays her tab. Nice... um dude... your kids need shoes, quit buying your skank alcohol... (yes, I am still a little bitter. oh and christmas is coming and he spends his money on her. spectacular!) and she met his ten year old son crawling across the floor because she was too drunk to walk. But, he trusts her.

and so it goes....

what a night!

let me start with this..... he was coming to pick up the young, man-boy and for some reason parked at the bottom of the hill. WHAT THE HELL? i have papers for him to fill out and it is pouring rain, so i wrap the papers in my warm fuzzy robe and trek out into the drizzling night. he says the car has died... my car.... the one he would be using until he got a car of his own. shit. fuck. and damn too. no car for me i guess. he says it has been making scary sounds for a few weeks and he just never took it in. (SURPRISE) ignore it, it will go away... his motto for everything from cars to his wife of 16 years.... (that's another rant though) of course the car dies.

they try to push it in the rain. too dangerous. so i arrange a ride for him (i can't drive, been drinking wine with my sister) now this is what i don't understand. i arrange a ride for him, he would be home, without a car, but home where he could deal with whatever it is he needs to deal with. instead of taking the ride he asks if he can take my car. sure. whatever. he calls a "friend" of his to follow him back over to my house to bring my car back. now why on god's raining, muddy, floody georgia earth why would he do that? is he that illogical. had he taken the ride i arranged all that happened next could have been avoided because i would have never known a woman was going to his house....

instead, this is what happens... she follows him over, they get to my house around ten thirty, he hands me the keys and it occurs to me that it is late and there is a woman waiting for him and he says he will use her car the next day. so of course being me i say, you are not having sleepovers at your house in front of our boys (when i tried to hand him divorce papers earlier he refused to take them because he didn't want to deal with the divorce on top of everything, but he can have a sleepover! with our boys in the next room?!?) WE HAVE NOT EVEN FILED YET DOUCHE BAG AND YOU ARE BRINGING A WOMAN HOME TO MEET OUR KIDS AND SLEEPOVER! he says to me "can we talk about this when i am not standing in the rain?" i am floored. beyond floored and pissed and hurt that he would think that it is okay, they are teen age boys, they know what is going on when "daddy has a sleepover"! (i think i might throw up now)

so he texts me.... yes TEXTS me: amber you know it is only one person that i trust

fuck you randy! good for you that you are fucking some girl and good for you that you trust her, but be discreet about things please. you are influencing teen age boys thank you very much. then he goes on to tell me that he had no other place to be with her and he won't wait til it is his weekend without kids (every two weeks is too long) and they have met her before and she sneaks out after they go to school. WHAT THE HELL! and he trusts her... oh and OH OH OH he says he is not like me... he needs to feel something for someone before he can sleep with them. What the hell kind of jab is that? he has known her for a while and they have been dating exclusively for a while and she has helped him through a lot of crap. well okay then... that makes it okay for you to flaunt in front of everyone that you are sleeping with her! NICE! he says he needs me to trust that he thought it through. oh fuck you, with what did you think it through?

I resign. here is my resignation.... there is no way for me to control that household at all. none whatsoever. it is his household. his. but, oh god! are my boys okay with that? and will she be moving in soon?

here we are

here we are at the end of the marriage... it occurs to me that it only takes one paper to be married and at least a hundred to dissolve the marriage. it is repulsive. I thought it would hurt, be uncomfortable sitting next to him pointing to where he needed to sign. he cracks a joke about the office needing to be sprayed because of the decorative insects on the wall. ha ha. isn't that how we all deal with awkwardness. he even looks good, back to the gym, losing weight, fixing his hair, wearing nicer clothes, happier? perhaps... i thought my throat would tighten and tears might well up in my eyes.... i thought that there would be a pang in my stomach when i saw the sadness in him, but there was none of that. just anxiousness to get it done, but I am a mess. i know that. i drank too much Friday night and puked all day saturday.... i said too much to too many people while drunk and made out with people i shouldn't have. god, i am a mess. and doesn't that make my eyes fill with tears a little. just that i am not the person i want to be. i am frustrated that i don't bounce back so easily, my stomach is twisted in knots, food doesn't taste good or look good anymore. even beer is not as attractive. i don't think it is the divorce... i know part of it is, but it is something else that is twisting a knife in me, torturing me, making me wish my moments away. i want to heal, but i don't know if i know how. at times i feel like i am drowning and my anxiety is off the charts. i am still searching for that quiet, safe, warm place where i can just be and let it go. a place to maybe cry and release my hurt and anger so that i can forgive and accept and move on. but that would admit that i am affected, wouldn't it? it is confusing to me that i feel so numb toward him and yet so jaded. i don't blame him so much as the idealism that was in me in the first place. somehow against my best judgment i gave marriage a chance and it failed me.

well then

I think I am ready to focus now. I think I am ready to give up all the distractions and take responsibility. At this point it is all a pile of rubbish anyway, isn't it. There is one... in due time. I have things to do. I need to stop whining about it and just do it all.