here we are

here we are at the end of the marriage... it occurs to me that it only takes one paper to be married and at least a hundred to dissolve the marriage. it is repulsive. I thought it would hurt, be uncomfortable sitting next to him pointing to where he needed to sign. he cracks a joke about the office needing to be sprayed because of the decorative insects on the wall. ha ha. isn't that how we all deal with awkwardness. he even looks good, back to the gym, losing weight, fixing his hair, wearing nicer clothes, happier? perhaps... i thought my throat would tighten and tears might well up in my eyes.... i thought that there would be a pang in my stomach when i saw the sadness in him, but there was none of that. just anxiousness to get it done, but I am a mess. i know that. i drank too much Friday night and puked all day saturday.... i said too much to too many people while drunk and made out with people i shouldn't have. god, i am a mess. and doesn't that make my eyes fill with tears a little. just that i am not the person i want to be. i am frustrated that i don't bounce back so easily, my stomach is twisted in knots, food doesn't taste good or look good anymore. even beer is not as attractive. i don't think it is the divorce... i know part of it is, but it is something else that is twisting a knife in me, torturing me, making me wish my moments away. i want to heal, but i don't know if i know how. at times i feel like i am drowning and my anxiety is off the charts. i am still searching for that quiet, safe, warm place where i can just be and let it go. a place to maybe cry and release my hurt and anger so that i can forgive and accept and move on. but that would admit that i am affected, wouldn't it? it is confusing to me that i feel so numb toward him and yet so jaded. i don't blame him so much as the idealism that was in me in the first place. somehow against my best judgment i gave marriage a chance and it failed me.