what's on my mind

nothing in particular and a hell of a lot.
i will do this in list format, it is so much easier and I love lists.
1. the ex is a fuck up. i am afraid he will disappear from the lives of his boys at the soonest opportunity and it is creeping up faster than i am comfortable with.
2. the almost something doesn't speak to me anymore... i lost one of my best friends and a plethora of other good friends that were connected to him because of my selfishness and lack of self control.
3. i am heading to new york city in two days (my first time there). i am not as excited as i should be and i wonder if something is wrong with me. but, on the bright side i will be in the most trusted hands.
4.my boys and my boys and my boys. am i (are we) fucking them up. they are quite passive and it is not always good to be passive about life, but they learn it from watching me (and he)
5. i do not know how i deserve the one that i am with and i do not know why it is so difficult to fight off the self destructive thoughts that i have about that situation. it could be "the rest of my life" kind of thing and it would be good. why must i consistently destroy that which is good for me? (my fear is that i am putting myself back into a box and not being who i want to be. fuck it. either he kicks me to the curb or he doesn't! i will not live my life in a cube because i am afraid of losing someone. i should be most afraid of losing me!)
6. I make it a point to not capitalize "I". I will delete I and replace it with i. Am I that unimportant? Worthless? It means something I know and I will not change it yet.
7. i am still hung up on thinking that perhaps the ex is the love of my life. i hate that, loathe it, wish i could throw it into the depths of hades and watch it burn.
8. a connection with people is the most important thing to me in the world, am i putting so much into that that i am refusing to embrace my life and be fearless? i deserve to be successful, why do i keep pussing out on the pursuit of an education and success? am i that self-destructive? sometimes the way that i let fear rule me disgusts and repulses me.
9. and i have no respect for marriage at all whatsoever. i believe it is a crock full of shit. commitments perhaps, but marriage is ridiculous and people are foolish to believe that someone will be faithful because of a fucking piece of paper.

restlessness and a new boyfriend

the experiences that i have had the last year need to be put to rest in a wooden box, the size of a coffin with more than just nails at the corners. i don't want to remove them from my memory because invaluable lessons were learned, but i need to turn my back on them and take the power from them. and why is it that once a person finally brings herself to commit to a relationship all past flings scurry into sight like the light has been turned on in a roach infested kitchen. not to say the flings were all roaches, but they were at the very least crickets or ants or roly poly potato bugs. no keepers, only infestations to get rid of. darkness attracts that type i suppose. and here i am wondering what the fuck i am up to and why i am feeling restless and a bit angry and perhaps bitter as well? and there is the slumbering beast, as always, lurking in the deepest recesses of my mind just waiting for me to make my way back. interestingly i feel that i may be a victim of that odd mental disorder that makes a person think that they are in love with their captor. i need to find my self respect, i believe. and i might be on the right road, but i am pretty damn sure that i am about to run out of gas. i need a superhero with a gas can, I believe.

summertime yellows?

life can be quite confusing when your tromping down the road toward crazy. i have found myself enough to know what i need in my life and luckily i have been removing the odorific dredges that drag me down. i am feeling much better and even have some light filtering in through leaves making me a bit dappled.