what's on my mind

nothing in particular and a hell of a lot.
i will do this in list format, it is so much easier and I love lists.
1. the ex is a fuck up. i am afraid he will disappear from the lives of his boys at the soonest opportunity and it is creeping up faster than i am comfortable with.
2. the almost something doesn't speak to me anymore... i lost one of my best friends and a plethora of other good friends that were connected to him because of my selfishness and lack of self control.
3. i am heading to new york city in two days (my first time there). i am not as excited as i should be and i wonder if something is wrong with me. but, on the bright side i will be in the most trusted hands.
4.my boys and my boys and my boys. am i (are we) fucking them up. they are quite passive and it is not always good to be passive about life, but they learn it from watching me (and he)
5. i do not know how i deserve the one that i am with and i do not know why it is so difficult to fight off the self destructive thoughts that i have about that situation. it could be "the rest of my life" kind of thing and it would be good. why must i consistently destroy that which is good for me? (my fear is that i am putting myself back into a box and not being who i want to be. fuck it. either he kicks me to the curb or he doesn't! i will not live my life in a cube because i am afraid of losing someone. i should be most afraid of losing me!)
6. I make it a point to not capitalize "I". I will delete I and replace it with i. Am I that unimportant? Worthless? It means something I know and I will not change it yet.
7. i am still hung up on thinking that perhaps the ex is the love of my life. i hate that, loathe it, wish i could throw it into the depths of hades and watch it burn.
8. a connection with people is the most important thing to me in the world, am i putting so much into that that i am refusing to embrace my life and be fearless? i deserve to be successful, why do i keep pussing out on the pursuit of an education and success? am i that self-destructive? sometimes the way that i let fear rule me disgusts and repulses me.
9. and i have no respect for marriage at all whatsoever. i believe it is a crock full of shit. commitments perhaps, but marriage is ridiculous and people are foolish to believe that someone will be faithful because of a fucking piece of paper.