stupid girl

he was never anything more than a good fuck and an occasional laugh, i try to believe. the person i thought i could depend on for the rest of my life, share everything always, faded really fast. stolen lazy sundays in bed laughing and being together never did last. and the alleged man i loved was replaced by a silver tongued, no one in particular. he wasn't someone to be trusted, a liar, a facade, an emotional vampire. and yet here i am a year after i moved out, after i finally allowed myself the freedom i needed, mourning the loss of him, the manipulator, the deceiver, the porn addict, food addict, poker addict, the addict that always looked in the wrong places for something to fill the voids in his life. the addict that proved over and over that meaningless rot was higher on his list of priorities than his wife and children. why do I mourn him? I deserve so much more than fifth or eighth or twelfth on the list? why do I mourn a man that could tell me how beautiful and amazing and incredible I was, but could never show me with actions what he said so easily with words instead he only nullified everything that was whispered sweetly. why do I mourn a man that would support everything wholeheartedly, make me feel like marble pillars were beneath me to lift me high enough to achieve any goal within my heart's desire only to cause those pillars to tumble with carefully chosen words that always kept me in my place.... under his thumb, held down because of his fears and insecurities. and here i am like a shallow woman defacing my own integrity because i want him to want me, always. i want him to mourn the loss of me. i want to be the one real regret of his life. i want him to realize and always have a hole that will never be filled because he lost me. because sadly, i will always have one, not because i lost him, but because i was never worth it for him to put forth any effort to maintain or rebuild or cultivate a love that would last all our days. i can't help it, i feel that my family is broken, the boys swear it isn't , but my family was at first, only their father. and now he is gone. by his choice and inactivity and indifference. and my heart is not moving on. my logic knows there is no reason to hold onto this, i am better off, but i just can't find the way to let it all go. i can't stop the hurt when i see him with someone else, and i know that he and she steal those lazy sundays and lay in bed laughing and touching and reveling in each other. and i am here with someone profoundly amazing and can not allow myself to let this go and not care and not feel the hurt enough to revel in what i have right here right now. and i am here with our boys as he gets quiet night after quiet night to cultivate a new love and put time and effort into something else that is worth it to him, so unlike me, and his boys, and his broken family. he has little distraction from building a relationship with someone who meant nothing to him for seventeen years and now gets all of him so there are only scraps of a saturday here or there left for the ones that used to mean everything, but never meant enough.....