the cold is seeping in...

i want this winter to be different, not so dark, not so cold, not so dank. everything is different now than it was last winter. the tunnel has ended and i find myself in a healthier place, i don't say healthy, but not as sickly for sure. i am almost faithful, almost believing in the universe providing for me and my children. i have someone in my life, a knight in shining armor, someone that gladly bears my burdens with me and somehow finds joy in it. it makes no sense to me. i feel restless at times and he is okay to let me roam and find my way back. no boxes here. and yet, i am still freaked out. i almost feel like it would be giving up the ghost to allow myself into a true, deep relationship. the logical me knows that my views are skewed. what is more important than sharing life with others? but am i willing to give up the ghost and why would i feel that a relationship is only entered into by sacrificing oneself? odd, wrong. i can't allow myself to just 'be'. i always over think, over analyze, self destruct. and my mind wanders as always to the one i left, the mess that wears me down and keeps me prostrate and frozen. no good comes from that and yet i am not ready or willing to let it go. i always keep that self destruct button within reach. how would i function without it? isn't it all quite interesting? the knight doesn't over think or over analyze, he just lives... is that an example to me or a pet peeve of mine? does the lack of thought add dents and dullness to the armor?