all wrapped up

someone I knew passed away over the weekend. I didn't know him well, but he made an impression on me. He was kind, wise, giving and open. I liked him. He wasn't young, but he wasn't really old either. "death sometimes comes in for supper and bites you in the ass" -stephen king. Why yes, it does. I am so preoccupied with shallow things. I am trying so hard to not face the reality of my life, I suppose, trying to be brave and strong and able. trying not to be hurt and broken and confused, oh and mostly afraid. I don't want vulnerability anymore. I want to take a spoon and scoop that part of my brain out of my head, plant it in the ground in the back yard and see what can grow there, probably some twisted, thorny, blackened vine. I have wicked plans in the making, I don't know what that makes me. I don't need a savior, I need to save myself. Or that is how I feel anyway. I am still the ice burg.

how?

I have an angry boy. He is very angry. 13 is a difficult age. I remember 13 very well. He tells me he doesn't care about me. Not that he hates me, he just doesn't care. He is angry and cruel to everyone around him. I don't know how to reach him. It is so frustrating. He will pick on someone just so he can punch them. The only solution that comes to me is to give the boy some space, but he will enter a room full of people just to instigate a fight. Testosterone sucks!

mythical creature

So I may have stumbled across a mythical creature, a nice guy. I am perplexed and frightened and curious. I honestly didn't think they existed, or maybe this is the last one available. Well, crappity piece o' poo! I am so not in a place to offer anything more than a friendship, but so in a place that I want to and don't want to miss the chance on something that could be amazing. He gives me butterflies. But, I also know myself well enough to know that I may be projecting all kinds of pretend aspects to his personality. That is just the way I roll.... if you don't know, make it up. He reminds me of people from my past, regrets. I think it clouds my judgment. Life is never what we plan for ourselves, is it? And part of being brave is being open to opportunities that present themselves. Fear is not a piece of the puzzle of happiness, is it? How will I discover anything about anyone or anything if I refuse to be open to possibilities outside of my realm of thinking and planning. So, here we go. I am diving in, treading water, and waiting for an adventure!

misled

so I had my second date, same guy. he is wonderful, smart, witty, responsible, thoughtful, everything I could possibly want in a significant other. Except.... well maybe... I may have projected a lot of qualities on him that he didn't have. I may have assumed certain things about him and I may have expected certain reactions that weren't quite right. He made me believe that he wasn't in it for a serious relationship, but date two kind of went in that direction. So, maybe I have a new friend, maybe I have nobody. Either way, I need to let it all go and cleanse myself of all the distraction. I am definitely not in a place where I can donate my time to establishing and maintaining a relationship.

my first priority is to be a better mother
then get an education
a man has no place in my life right now.

no kids...

So this was my first weekend without kids. It is strange, quiet, even a little sad. I am restless and too lazy to do all the things I should do. I need to refocus and stop being distracted. If I am going to get anywhere in this life, I need to rearrange my priorities. I could have accomplished so much this weekend, but I didn't even attempt to.
crap....

addicted

There is so much to say about some of my recent experiences. Yet, surprisingly, I guess I have found something a little too personal to share. Weird. So unlike me, the one living life like an open book, not caring what others think. I guess I care if my actions are hurtful, and they are and inconsiderate as well. Oh and did I mention completely selfish? But, it was an experience and it was marvelous and grand. I would do it all over again. (And if you are thinking I had sex, you would be wrong. That hasn't happened in months. Woe is me. ) Maybe I will open up about it in a few months.

A 62 year old man invited me to go sailing in a real sail boat on the lake. I am very tempted to do it, just to do it and have done it. I have never been sailing before.

surprise

I still surprise myself.
"I need to be patient, I need to be brave, I need to discover how I need to behave..."
-KT Tunstell

ice burg

I wonder where I get this idea that I shouldn't feel things. I am following a script that I tell myself over and over. I am okay. And I truly believe that I am. I am happier and accomplishing things I have wanted to for a long time. But, I don't understand the side of me that makes me think that emotion is a sign of weakness. It is fine to cry if you feel the need (I rarely feel the need unless I drink a whole bottle of wine.) and yet I can not bring myself to cry or even feel like it is okay that I cry. Maybe I feel that I have wasted too many tears over the years crying over the same issues. I am spent. I saw the "ex" today. Wow! He is a massive drain on my positivity. He just looks so sad. I don't believe that I am projecting. I am not sad. I am too busy to be. I am confused at times. I miss sex a lot, most of the time, but I am not sad. I am excited about my future without him. Hell, I am excited about my present without him. But, I guess part of me is still affected by his temperament. That sucks. He came over yesterday and wore an Affliction hat. Of course being the brat that I am I commented on it. How could I not? Nice hat, good label for you, was I the one being afflicted by you, must be.... you're the one wearing the hat. He said I was funny, maybe I was hurtful. I asked him if he cried about the situation. He said he doesn't know. Have I cried. A little. And as sad as I feel (it is not very sad, maybe more annoyed, definitely surprised that I was affected by seeing him in his state and taking the last bits of my stuff)there is not a single cell in my body that wants to be with him. There is not a cell in my body that wants to try to make this sham, shell, facade, broken, dysfunctional relationship work. I will only put into it what I need to for the boys. I have sacrificed too much and gained too little. One, two, three, GO! To quote the ever profound proclaimers.... "I'm on my way from misery to happiness today...uh huh...uh huh...yeah!"

moving even further away

Last night I had my first date as a single woman. it was interesting and butterfly evoking and so many things wrapped up into a ball of excitement and dread and such passionate mind melting feelings. It could not have been more perfect had I scripted it. I am left with images of vampire eggplants and perfect kisses.