all wrapped up

someone I knew passed away over the weekend. I didn't know him well, but he made an impression on me. He was kind, wise, giving and open. I liked him. He wasn't young, but he wasn't really old either. "death sometimes comes in for supper and bites you in the ass" -stephen king. Why yes, it does. I am so preoccupied with shallow things. I am trying so hard to not face the reality of my life, I suppose, trying to be brave and strong and able. trying not to be hurt and broken and confused, oh and mostly afraid. I don't want vulnerability anymore. I want to take a spoon and scoop that part of my brain out of my head, plant it in the ground in the back yard and see what can grow there, probably some twisted, thorny, blackened vine. I have wicked plans in the making, I don't know what that makes me. I don't need a savior, I need to save myself. Or that is how I feel anyway. I am still the ice burg.