filing it all away

I received my divorce papers... it took me about 5 days to open them and about 5 discussions of how things were and about 5 arguments with myself and him! And probably 5 tears... only 5 then I went to sleep. The next day tears welled, but never fell. I feel vulnerable, my voice is a bit shaky when I talk about it and how dare he make me feel guilty when he made me feel so unwanted, constantly not worthy of attention oh and like a ghost. I go back to anger... then detachment. and so it goes. I fill voids still, with stupid choices that keep me safe. and I try not to share any of the hurt and hope that no one asks specific questions that would actually allow them to see me for who I really am, fraudulently strong. I am so guarded now, even with supposed friends, sisters, everyone... even myself. Is there safety in numbers? Juggling people around and never putting anything real into any of them. Sharing only the least of the whos and whats and whens of life. my secrets abide. and through it all my moral standing has deflated like one of those dancing air men in front of a car sales lot. I am almost tempted to find jesus, if only the idea weren't so repugnant! if only I could pluck my logic out of my head! if only I could bare another lie that I tell myself for the comfort. But, I know me well enough I suppose. I wouldn't believe, I would just pack it up with all the other lies and file it away under L.