talking with a friend

maybe I should start all blogs this way, these days.... I was talking with a friend... a new friend. He is friggin' brilliant! He is a twist of cynicism and faith in mankind. So odd to find that mixture, but he pulls it off well. He is non-religious, but has a bachelors in religious philosophy. He may be searching for something to hold onto, something to believe in, sorting through the rot to find some rough gem of truth. And he has done a lot of sorting, through a lot of rot and he has found many gems and he shares generously. He told me that he enjoys sharing these fables and stories because they are wise and profound and he hopes that people will make them their own and pass them on. So, that is my intro, the wisdom is credited and now here is the gem.... It shines some light on my slumbering beast.

The pyramids used to be topped with pure gold that would shine so brightly in the Egyptian, desert sun that people (humbly) had to keep their eyes down cast. The gold represented the gods, the most important and desirable things in life. It was supported by the entire base of the pyramid.

interesting tidbit of information

as for my slumbering beast, well, shall we begin then?
(this may take a while, ugh, maybe not many words, but some time, for me)

I met him when I was 18. Just friends, nothing more, the future was planned. Then he kissed me and the world stopped. Then, we had sex (terrible, first time sex, I might add) and I fell hard for him. The kind of falling that songs are written about, the kind that feels like your heart is being shredded when there are issues, and breathing is shallow and fast and hard. And touching, well hours could pass and fires ignite and still though satisfied you wanted more and more. Everything fell into place, fate was blamed and we married, had kids, years passed and still passion was there. And issues were there. But we had the top of the golden pyramid, for quite a long time. It was ours and we were blinded by it! And instead of maintaining the base and the strength and integrity of the foundation for it we thought it would just survive, like the pyramids. Then one block at a time, the trust, the respect, the consideration, adoration, friendship all began to turn to sand and everything crumbled around us. It was gone, it came crashing down. And now, I am left in the dust I suppose, no pieces to pick up because nothing is left to salvage, not even the desire to allow myself to be open to such things again. Hmmm. What a place to be. Supposedly wars have been fought for love and I find myself not believing in it anymore. But, I am sure that I had it, or at least a dysfunctional version of it that was passionate and life altering and consuming!

And so here it lies.... sleeping, deceiving perhaps? Keeping me from moving on. The rare, top of the golden pyramid, is it a once in a lifetime opportunity? I have learned so many lessons from my experience when it was mine. I feel like I am now in a better position and understanding in this life that I can completely maintain it and protect it(with the help of the right partner). But will I ever find it again, and the question is too, is the gold something that you just have (it was in my case)and build the base to support it(obviously our temple workers were inexperienced and inadequate) or can the base be built first and the golden top will be discovered in the building of the base? (chicken before the egg, I suppose.)

And the scariest demon of all is me. Will I be capable of the openness and vulnerability and trust that it will take to be able to experience all of it again?