two or more

there are two sides or more to everyone aren't there? so many facets to a face. it is winter here and the winter me is dark and cold just like it is outside, leave out the purity of the white snow. there is none of that here. oh god no! i started another blog. i don't think i can merge the two. my dark and light side. funny, this is the light side and it is still pretty dark. i am going to buy paints and a canvas and some more art supplies. this is the year to get out of my head and let my creativity spark something outside of wallowing in the depths of depression and darkness and heathenism. if only i could not settle in my sallow flesh so comfortably. let in some light. chiaroscuro

did i mention?

did i mention?
the divorce was final oct 21, 2010. up, dressed, at the court by nine. waited for hours. spent the day with him. went to sushi for lunch. had a beer. laughed. cried. confessions by me that i had planned on spending the rest of my life with him. failed. at least his eyes became red rimmed and welled with a tear or two. he ignored her calls. spent some time with the boys. odd. kissed him good bye. he said he couldn't do it because he was in love with someone. bull shit. while our lips met the phone rang and it was her. he lives with her now (since august and somehow i drove him to it). her eyes never meet mine. she is lovely, insecure, and a victim of abuse. his favorite kind of girl. he doesn't have to try too hard with her. just not beating the shit out of her is enough. i resent him. he sees the boys for 24 hours out of a month now. it hurts them and at times they even admit it. i try to be nice. kill him with kindness. help too much so he is able to be ridiculously, irresponsibly twenty again. it really is repulsive and what is worse is that it hurts me still. i keep waiting for the disgust, rage and hurt to be replaced with indifference. achingly slowly, detachment is sneaking up on me.

the cold is seeping in...

i want this winter to be different, not so dark, not so cold, not so dank. everything is different now than it was last winter. the tunnel has ended and i find myself in a healthier place, i don't say healthy, but not as sickly for sure. i am almost faithful, almost believing in the universe providing for me and my children. i have someone in my life, a knight in shining armor, someone that gladly bears my burdens with me and somehow finds joy in it. it makes no sense to me. i feel restless at times and he is okay to let me roam and find my way back. no boxes here. and yet, i am still freaked out. i almost feel like it would be giving up the ghost to allow myself into a true, deep relationship. the logical me knows that my views are skewed. what is more important than sharing life with others? but am i willing to give up the ghost and why would i feel that a relationship is only entered into by sacrificing oneself? odd, wrong. i can't allow myself to just 'be'. i always over think, over analyze, self destruct. and my mind wanders as always to the one i left, the mess that wears me down and keeps me prostrate and frozen. no good comes from that and yet i am not ready or willing to let it go. i always keep that self destruct button within reach. how would i function without it? isn't it all quite interesting? the knight doesn't over think or over analyze, he just lives... is that an example to me or a pet peeve of mine? does the lack of thought add dents and dullness to the armor?