today i am a sign seeker, for today

I noticed the magnolias are beginning to bloom! They smell amazing and they are wonderfully crisp and clean. The sign seeker in me says it is pointing to a new beginning for me! I love spring!

















For no particular reason at all, I decided to read my own tarot cards. I have my own Celtic Tarot deck which is for fun, but also insightful. I am questioning what the future holds for me with these amazing (and intimidating) changes that are happening right now. There are forty cards in a Tarot deck and I had to choose randomly from this deck after shuffling. This is what I chose:


In Celtic Tarot tradition this is the simplest layout to find a quick answer. This is what I interpreted from these particular cards and it is really kind of cool!
The first card is the keeper of letters: this could be considered a guide to what will happen on the future journey I will take. The keeper of the letters is the keeper of stories, tradition, and writing. (pretty cool considering my only constant desire has been to write)
The second card is the Woman made of Flowers: she is a representation of our inner self and the discovery of our inner self and true nature (which also is interesting because I am making all of these changes in my life to get back to who I feel I truly am.)
The third card is the Cow: the cow is a representation of wealth and well being. (totally what I need in my life and isn't there wealth in well-being?)
So all in all, it is good. (Remember these are out of a deck of forty different cards. Isn't the occult fun?)

today

When my own boys were little, if they saw me sitting on the floor, they used to just back up and fall, knowing they would land in my lap. They wouldn't even glance behind themselves. They would just plop down without a word. I really, really miss that.

broken record

I think I might be something like a motley crue song played backward right now, definitely not a Prince song backward, I'd like to be oh maybe flight of the bumblebee played backward. In fact, I think I'd like to hear that one right now.

save the trees please

The other day I was driving along in the car and I noticed a man blowing his nose into the lawn without a tissue. Ya know the kind, hold one nostril closed and shoot snot in a slimy projectile type goo! EWWW! (Yes I have done it too, while weed eating and mowing the lawn, while allergies attack like a terrorist!) I remembered this endearing moment with my eighty year old grandmother shooting her snot shot into the toilet, dear old, grey haired, bun on top, mamaw doing her part to protect the environment. NO TISSUE NEEDED! (save the trees please)

in the end

I keep remembering... years ago. This scene flashes through my mind and it puts things into perspective. I told him while sobbing that he was everything, that he was the witness to my life. He was the main character in all the experiences that were important and soul altering. I told him that no matter what, when I left this world, he had to be there for that too, either to welcome me or send me off from this world. I remember the wrenching thought that he wouldn't be there for everything else that came into my life and the pain that it brought. That was years ago. Now, I don't feel the same, I don't have the same belief or faith. That is truly sad. I'm moving out in two weeks.

easter

I went to church on Sunday. It has been over a year. It was a baptist church and it was easter. I like the concept of easter, the pagan concept that is... rebirth... rejoicing in the newness and celebrating fertility. Jesus beaten and hung on a cross does not appeal to me. Neither does a screaming pastor or whatever the Hell I witnessed sunday. I cried. They played loud music and clips of Passion of the Christ (which I have never seen because of the jesus beaten and hung aversion). I remember thinking as the clips played and the music surrounded us that if any of these Christians saw what was truly in my heart they would pity me I am sure, pray for me, and close their mind to me as well. Yes, tears fell down my face as Simon took the cross from Jesus, but not because I believed that Jesus was resurrected for my sins, but because of his suffering and another man's willingness to bare his burden out of love. That is a beautiful thing to see. The rest of the scenes were overly barbaric! There were young, young children in the congregation. It made my skin crawl. When the pastor started yelling about the risen Christ, we snuck out, one at a time. I sat in that church knowing that I am not a Christian. I felt almost like a fraud being there. I was not moved by the 'spirit' , though others may have thought I was. But, they do not know me and they do not know that the Disneyland commercial in which a little girl tells Mickey Mouse ,"I've waited my whole life to meet you" moves me more than the thought of a man (glorified by men) died on the cross so that I could be good enough for the god that created me.

Afterward, we dyed eggs and ate pizza and lasagna. We didn't even pray. We truly are heathens. I am going to read The History of God again. I am lacking spiritual edification.

not with a bang but a whimper

I am not sad, I have moments of sadness, but I am not sad.
I am feeling almost set free.
He brushed the hair from my face today. Why am I so weak that I mistake a tender touch for love?
He only sleeps or leaves now.
I don't understand why there is no argument except when I mention that we should work things out.
I know I don't want to fight or put effort into this.
I have always known where I stand.
this is the way MY world ends, this is the way MY world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.