misled

so I had my second date, same guy. he is wonderful, smart, witty, responsible, thoughtful, everything I could possibly want in a significant other. Except.... well maybe... I may have projected a lot of qualities on him that he didn't have. I may have assumed certain things about him and I may have expected certain reactions that weren't quite right. He made me believe that he wasn't in it for a serious relationship, but date two kind of went in that direction. So, maybe I have a new friend, maybe I have nobody. Either way, I need to let it all go and cleanse myself of all the distraction. I am definitely not in a place where I can donate my time to establishing and maintaining a relationship.

my first priority is to be a better mother
then get an education
a man has no place in my life right now.

no kids...

So this was my first weekend without kids. It is strange, quiet, even a little sad. I am restless and too lazy to do all the things I should do. I need to refocus and stop being distracted. If I am going to get anywhere in this life, I need to rearrange my priorities. I could have accomplished so much this weekend, but I didn't even attempt to.
crap....

addicted

There is so much to say about some of my recent experiences. Yet, surprisingly, I guess I have found something a little too personal to share. Weird. So unlike me, the one living life like an open book, not caring what others think. I guess I care if my actions are hurtful, and they are and inconsiderate as well. Oh and did I mention completely selfish? But, it was an experience and it was marvelous and grand. I would do it all over again. (And if you are thinking I had sex, you would be wrong. That hasn't happened in months. Woe is me. ) Maybe I will open up about it in a few months.

A 62 year old man invited me to go sailing in a real sail boat on the lake. I am very tempted to do it, just to do it and have done it. I have never been sailing before.

surprise

I still surprise myself.
"I need to be patient, I need to be brave, I need to discover how I need to behave..."
-KT Tunstell

ice burg

I wonder where I get this idea that I shouldn't feel things. I am following a script that I tell myself over and over. I am okay. And I truly believe that I am. I am happier and accomplishing things I have wanted to for a long time. But, I don't understand the side of me that makes me think that emotion is a sign of weakness. It is fine to cry if you feel the need (I rarely feel the need unless I drink a whole bottle of wine.) and yet I can not bring myself to cry or even feel like it is okay that I cry. Maybe I feel that I have wasted too many tears over the years crying over the same issues. I am spent. I saw the "ex" today. Wow! He is a massive drain on my positivity. He just looks so sad. I don't believe that I am projecting. I am not sad. I am too busy to be. I am confused at times. I miss sex a lot, most of the time, but I am not sad. I am excited about my future without him. Hell, I am excited about my present without him. But, I guess part of me is still affected by his temperament. That sucks. He came over yesterday and wore an Affliction hat. Of course being the brat that I am I commented on it. How could I not? Nice hat, good label for you, was I the one being afflicted by you, must be.... you're the one wearing the hat. He said I was funny, maybe I was hurtful. I asked him if he cried about the situation. He said he doesn't know. Have I cried. A little. And as sad as I feel (it is not very sad, maybe more annoyed, definitely surprised that I was affected by seeing him in his state and taking the last bits of my stuff)there is not a single cell in my body that wants to be with him. There is not a cell in my body that wants to try to make this sham, shell, facade, broken, dysfunctional relationship work. I will only put into it what I need to for the boys. I have sacrificed too much and gained too little. One, two, three, GO! To quote the ever profound proclaimers.... "I'm on my way from misery to happiness today...uh huh...uh huh...yeah!"

moving even further away

Last night I had my first date as a single woman. it was interesting and butterfly evoking and so many things wrapped up into a ball of excitement and dread and such passionate mind melting feelings. It could not have been more perfect had I scripted it. I am left with images of vampire eggplants and perfect kisses.

free?

i have moved out. I think it has probably been about a month now. The place I am living is not nearly finished, but it is a work in progress. Someday it will be done. Hopefully by the time school starts. I need a bedroom door. Maybe I will do that today.

I still have no friends to be wild with me. That is frustrating, but does not hold me back. I went to play poker by myself. It's not the first time, but it was the first time that men flocked around me and actually sat and waited their turn to talk to me! That was very odd. And damn it all to hades, the only one that I was attracted to is married. BLECH!

I also went dancing alone. I told Randy I was going to and where and for some odd reason he showed up. AWKWARD! But, the night was still great. I danced til I sweat and I danced with the cutest guys in the bar too! Lean wit it Rock wit it. Randy did not dance. He talked to girls all night. Whatevs. Later I found out the boys that I danced with, inappropriately I might add, were in their early twenties. I don't quite know how to feel about that. Hmmmm. Oh well.

Here is something I realized. I don't know the date that I moved out. Isn't it funny how we celebrate the wedding day every year and I have no clue what date my marriage technically ended. I guess it is like everything else in that relationship it just slipped on by and slipped away.

A few things I learned about myself in the last month:
1. I allow myself to get into terribly tempting situations.
2. I am a lot of a germ a phobe (I knew that before, but I didn't know the extent of it.)
3. I am really not attracted to my ex/husband, at all, not even a tiny bit and I really am one hundred percent sure that I do not want to be with him at all, not even a tiny bit! But oddly, I did feel a twinge of jealousy.
4. I am not afraid to sleep alone, I actually enjoy it, even in a basement by myself!
5. And apparently I am spunky.
6. oh and apparently red heads are desirable and it is because everyone's first girlfriend was a red head. So I keep hearing.
7. Mostly, I am braver than I think or could possibly conceive.