how about words like...

lies, deceit, deceived, betrayed, deflated, depressed, fool, stupid, false, mourn, loss, breathe.... perchance to hope, perchance not.

anticipation

life is odd... circles back to the beginning it seems.... and ode to joy it is almost june. i can not wait, and yet it bothers me to wish my days away.

And it was another fantastic fabulous friday: flip flop fancy feet fiesta! these are the days that make me love my job! oh and washable crayola markers!

words amaze me

words like soft, delicate, entranced, touch, adore, experience, envelop, dream, explore, believe, feel, sparkle, laugh, hope, fall, grow, learn, trust, heal, love...

I am stunned! Spring always brings a new beginning to me, my life cycles with the cycles of the seasons! What a change I am embarking on! I feel closer to God, I believe in things that I never thought were possible, and wow! I am finding faith again, and joy, and love! Once again I am truly amazed and see myself as blessed, BLESSED! not lucky.... BLESSED! I am blooming and ready to grow!

lining them up

i feel like i may be lining them up so they can fall
saying all the right things
doing all the right things
being what they need, when they need
laughing and carrying on
with all the joy of nations
covering the broken ness of it all

i feel like a good cry
might get the ache out
but i know i am wrong
the dark is too deep and strong
and you know me
and that scares me
i am so torn, so tattered and torn

and the moments pass with feeling
and it scares me all the more
i wonder, will I be the one left sprawling on the floor

january

january is finally over, it is still cold, snow flurries flurry occasionally and i am in a happier place. life is good. life is an adventure worth taking and finding the bravery it takes to live it. exciting. i am headed to az for oh so many reasons, some of which can not be written, others are just for a bit of healing time, family time, escape time, mulling time. so many forks in this road right now, so many ways to go, so many distractions all of which are just as important as the next. wow my vague ways are going to creep up on me... months will pass, years will pass and even i will have no clue what the hell i am talking about!

i still wonder.... am i capable of being in love, for longer than a fleeting moment?
melting?
melding?
wondering where i end and another begins?
touching?
feeling?
really feeling?
allowing someone to remain close
and not demeaning any of it?
opening myself to the possible heartache
or joy?
i don't think i can find the bravery needed for that.
i don't think i want to even look for it.
i am upended.
still.