two or more

there are two sides or more to everyone aren't there? so many facets to a face. it is winter here and the winter me is dark and cold just like it is outside, leave out the purity of the white snow. there is none of that here. oh god no! i started another blog. i don't think i can merge the two. my dark and light side. funny, this is the light side and it is still pretty dark. i am going to buy paints and a canvas and some more art supplies. this is the year to get out of my head and let my creativity spark something outside of wallowing in the depths of depression and darkness and heathenism. if only i could not settle in my sallow flesh so comfortably. let in some light. chiaroscuro

did i mention?

did i mention?
the divorce was final oct 21, 2010. up, dressed, at the court by nine. waited for hours. spent the day with him. went to sushi for lunch. had a beer. laughed. cried. confessions by me that i had planned on spending the rest of my life with him. failed. at least his eyes became red rimmed and welled with a tear or two. he ignored her calls. spent some time with the boys. odd. kissed him good bye. he said he couldn't do it because he was in love with someone. bull shit. while our lips met the phone rang and it was her. he lives with her now (since august and somehow i drove him to it). her eyes never meet mine. she is lovely, insecure, and a victim of abuse. his favorite kind of girl. he doesn't have to try too hard with her. just not beating the shit out of her is enough. i resent him. he sees the boys for 24 hours out of a month now. it hurts them and at times they even admit it. i try to be nice. kill him with kindness. help too much so he is able to be ridiculously, irresponsibly twenty again. it really is repulsive and what is worse is that it hurts me still. i keep waiting for the disgust, rage and hurt to be replaced with indifference. achingly slowly, detachment is sneaking up on me.

the cold is seeping in...

i want this winter to be different, not so dark, not so cold, not so dank. everything is different now than it was last winter. the tunnel has ended and i find myself in a healthier place, i don't say healthy, but not as sickly for sure. i am almost faithful, almost believing in the universe providing for me and my children. i have someone in my life, a knight in shining armor, someone that gladly bears my burdens with me and somehow finds joy in it. it makes no sense to me. i feel restless at times and he is okay to let me roam and find my way back. no boxes here. and yet, i am still freaked out. i almost feel like it would be giving up the ghost to allow myself into a true, deep relationship. the logical me knows that my views are skewed. what is more important than sharing life with others? but am i willing to give up the ghost and why would i feel that a relationship is only entered into by sacrificing oneself? odd, wrong. i can't allow myself to just 'be'. i always over think, over analyze, self destruct. and my mind wanders as always to the one i left, the mess that wears me down and keeps me prostrate and frozen. no good comes from that and yet i am not ready or willing to let it go. i always keep that self destruct button within reach. how would i function without it? isn't it all quite interesting? the knight doesn't over think or over analyze, he just lives... is that an example to me or a pet peeve of mine? does the lack of thought add dents and dullness to the armor?

stupid girl

he was never anything more than a good fuck and an occasional laugh, i try to believe. the person i thought i could depend on for the rest of my life, share everything always, faded really fast. stolen lazy sundays in bed laughing and being together never did last. and the alleged man i loved was replaced by a silver tongued, no one in particular. he wasn't someone to be trusted, a liar, a facade, an emotional vampire. and yet here i am a year after i moved out, after i finally allowed myself the freedom i needed, mourning the loss of him, the manipulator, the deceiver, the porn addict, food addict, poker addict, the addict that always looked in the wrong places for something to fill the voids in his life. the addict that proved over and over that meaningless rot was higher on his list of priorities than his wife and children. why do I mourn him? I deserve so much more than fifth or eighth or twelfth on the list? why do I mourn a man that could tell me how beautiful and amazing and incredible I was, but could never show me with actions what he said so easily with words instead he only nullified everything that was whispered sweetly. why do I mourn a man that would support everything wholeheartedly, make me feel like marble pillars were beneath me to lift me high enough to achieve any goal within my heart's desire only to cause those pillars to tumble with carefully chosen words that always kept me in my place.... under his thumb, held down because of his fears and insecurities. and here i am like a shallow woman defacing my own integrity because i want him to want me, always. i want him to mourn the loss of me. i want to be the one real regret of his life. i want him to realize and always have a hole that will never be filled because he lost me. because sadly, i will always have one, not because i lost him, but because i was never worth it for him to put forth any effort to maintain or rebuild or cultivate a love that would last all our days. i can't help it, i feel that my family is broken, the boys swear it isn't , but my family was at first, only their father. and now he is gone. by his choice and inactivity and indifference. and my heart is not moving on. my logic knows there is no reason to hold onto this, i am better off, but i just can't find the way to let it all go. i can't stop the hurt when i see him with someone else, and i know that he and she steal those lazy sundays and lay in bed laughing and touching and reveling in each other. and i am here with someone profoundly amazing and can not allow myself to let this go and not care and not feel the hurt enough to revel in what i have right here right now. and i am here with our boys as he gets quiet night after quiet night to cultivate a new love and put time and effort into something else that is worth it to him, so unlike me, and his boys, and his broken family. he has little distraction from building a relationship with someone who meant nothing to him for seventeen years and now gets all of him so there are only scraps of a saturday here or there left for the ones that used to mean everything, but never meant enough.....

what's on my mind

nothing in particular and a hell of a lot.
i will do this in list format, it is so much easier and I love lists.
1. the ex is a fuck up. i am afraid he will disappear from the lives of his boys at the soonest opportunity and it is creeping up faster than i am comfortable with.
2. the almost something doesn't speak to me anymore... i lost one of my best friends and a plethora of other good friends that were connected to him because of my selfishness and lack of self control.
3. i am heading to new york city in two days (my first time there). i am not as excited as i should be and i wonder if something is wrong with me. but, on the bright side i will be in the most trusted hands.
4.my boys and my boys and my boys. am i (are we) fucking them up. they are quite passive and it is not always good to be passive about life, but they learn it from watching me (and he)
5. i do not know how i deserve the one that i am with and i do not know why it is so difficult to fight off the self destructive thoughts that i have about that situation. it could be "the rest of my life" kind of thing and it would be good. why must i consistently destroy that which is good for me? (my fear is that i am putting myself back into a box and not being who i want to be. fuck it. either he kicks me to the curb or he doesn't! i will not live my life in a cube because i am afraid of losing someone. i should be most afraid of losing me!)
6. I make it a point to not capitalize "I". I will delete I and replace it with i. Am I that unimportant? Worthless? It means something I know and I will not change it yet.
7. i am still hung up on thinking that perhaps the ex is the love of my life. i hate that, loathe it, wish i could throw it into the depths of hades and watch it burn.
8. a connection with people is the most important thing to me in the world, am i putting so much into that that i am refusing to embrace my life and be fearless? i deserve to be successful, why do i keep pussing out on the pursuit of an education and success? am i that self-destructive? sometimes the way that i let fear rule me disgusts and repulses me.
9. and i have no respect for marriage at all whatsoever. i believe it is a crock full of shit. commitments perhaps, but marriage is ridiculous and people are foolish to believe that someone will be faithful because of a fucking piece of paper.

restlessness and a new boyfriend

the experiences that i have had the last year need to be put to rest in a wooden box, the size of a coffin with more than just nails at the corners. i don't want to remove them from my memory because invaluable lessons were learned, but i need to turn my back on them and take the power from them. and why is it that once a person finally brings herself to commit to a relationship all past flings scurry into sight like the light has been turned on in a roach infested kitchen. not to say the flings were all roaches, but they were at the very least crickets or ants or roly poly potato bugs. no keepers, only infestations to get rid of. darkness attracts that type i suppose. and here i am wondering what the fuck i am up to and why i am feeling restless and a bit angry and perhaps bitter as well? and there is the slumbering beast, as always, lurking in the deepest recesses of my mind just waiting for me to make my way back. interestingly i feel that i may be a victim of that odd mental disorder that makes a person think that they are in love with their captor. i need to find my self respect, i believe. and i might be on the right road, but i am pretty damn sure that i am about to run out of gas. i need a superhero with a gas can, I believe.

summertime yellows?

life can be quite confusing when your tromping down the road toward crazy. i have found myself enough to know what i need in my life and luckily i have been removing the odorific dredges that drag me down. i am feeling much better and even have some light filtering in through leaves making me a bit dappled.