I still surprise myself.
"I need to be patient, I need to be brave, I need to discover how I need to behave..."
-KT Tunstell
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
ice burg
I wonder where I get this idea that I shouldn't feel things. I am following a script that I tell myself over and over. I am okay. And I truly believe that I am. I am happier and accomplishing things I have wanted to for a long time. But, I don't understand the side of me that makes me think that emotion is a sign of weakness. It is fine to cry if you feel the need (I rarely feel the need unless I drink a whole bottle of wine.) and yet I can not bring myself to cry or even feel like it is okay that I cry. Maybe I feel that I have wasted too many tears over the years crying over the same issues. I am spent. I saw the "ex" today. Wow! He is a massive drain on my positivity. He just looks so sad. I don't believe that I am projecting. I am not sad. I am too busy to be. I am confused at times. I miss sex a lot, most of the time, but I am not sad. I am excited about my future without him. Hell, I am excited about my present without him. But, I guess part of me is still affected by his temperament. That sucks. He came over yesterday and wore an Affliction hat. Of course being the brat that I am I commented on it. How could I not? Nice hat, good label for you, was I the one being afflicted by you, must be.... you're the one wearing the hat. He said I was funny, maybe I was hurtful. I asked him if he cried about the situation. He said he doesn't know. Have I cried. A little. And as sad as I feel (it is not very sad, maybe more annoyed, definitely surprised that I was affected by seeing him in his state and taking the last bits of my stuff)there is not a single cell in my body that wants to be with him. There is not a cell in my body that wants to try to make this sham, shell, facade, broken, dysfunctional relationship work. I will only put into it what I need to for the boys. I have sacrificed too much and gained too little. One, two, three, GO! To quote the ever profound proclaimers.... "I'm on my way from misery to happiness today...uh huh...uh huh...yeah!"
Saturday, August 8, 2009
moving even further away
Last night I had my first date as a single woman. it was interesting and butterfly evoking and so many things wrapped up into a ball of excitement and dread and such passionate mind melting feelings. It could not have been more perfect had I scripted it. I am left with images of vampire eggplants and perfect kisses.
Monday, July 27, 2009
free?
i have moved out. I think it has probably been about a month now. The place I am living is not nearly finished, but it is a work in progress. Someday it will be done. Hopefully by the time school starts. I need a bedroom door. Maybe I will do that today.
I still have no friends to be wild with me. That is frustrating, but does not hold me back. I went to play poker by myself. It's not the first time, but it was the first time that men flocked around me and actually sat and waited their turn to talk to me! That was very odd. And damn it all to hades, the only one that I was attracted to is married. BLECH!
I also went dancing alone. I told Randy I was going to and where and for some odd reason he showed up. AWKWARD! But, the night was still great. I danced til I sweat and I danced with the cutest guys in the bar too! Lean wit it Rock wit it. Randy did not dance. He talked to girls all night. Whatevs. Later I found out the boys that I danced with, inappropriately I might add, were in their early twenties. I don't quite know how to feel about that. Hmmmm. Oh well.
Here is something I realized. I don't know the date that I moved out. Isn't it funny how we celebrate the wedding day every year and I have no clue what date my marriage technically ended. I guess it is like everything else in that relationship it just slipped on by and slipped away.
A few things I learned about myself in the last month:
1. I allow myself to get into terribly tempting situations.
2. I am a lot of a germ a phobe (I knew that before, but I didn't know the extent of it.)
3. I am really not attracted to my ex/husband, at all, not even a tiny bit and I really am one hundred percent sure that I do not want to be with him at all, not even a tiny bit! But oddly, I did feel a twinge of jealousy.
4. I am not afraid to sleep alone, I actually enjoy it, even in a basement by myself!
5. And apparently I am spunky.
6. oh and apparently red heads are desirable and it is because everyone's first girlfriend was a red head. So I keep hearing.
7. Mostly, I am braver than I think or could possibly conceive.
I still have no friends to be wild with me. That is frustrating, but does not hold me back. I went to play poker by myself. It's not the first time, but it was the first time that men flocked around me and actually sat and waited their turn to talk to me! That was very odd. And damn it all to hades, the only one that I was attracted to is married. BLECH!
I also went dancing alone. I told Randy I was going to and where and for some odd reason he showed up. AWKWARD! But, the night was still great. I danced til I sweat and I danced with the cutest guys in the bar too! Lean wit it Rock wit it. Randy did not dance. He talked to girls all night. Whatevs. Later I found out the boys that I danced with, inappropriately I might add, were in their early twenties. I don't quite know how to feel about that. Hmmmm. Oh well.
Here is something I realized. I don't know the date that I moved out. Isn't it funny how we celebrate the wedding day every year and I have no clue what date my marriage technically ended. I guess it is like everything else in that relationship it just slipped on by and slipped away.
A few things I learned about myself in the last month:
1. I allow myself to get into terribly tempting situations.
2. I am a lot of a germ a phobe (I knew that before, but I didn't know the extent of it.)
3. I am really not attracted to my ex/husband, at all, not even a tiny bit and I really am one hundred percent sure that I do not want to be with him at all, not even a tiny bit! But oddly, I did feel a twinge of jealousy.
4. I am not afraid to sleep alone, I actually enjoy it, even in a basement by myself!
5. And apparently I am spunky.
6. oh and apparently red heads are desirable and it is because everyone's first girlfriend was a red head. So I keep hearing.
7. Mostly, I am braver than I think or could possibly conceive.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
today
I am melancholy. I spackled the dry wall a little with some missionaries. Weird in oh so many ways. Bought beer in my work shirt. Came home and drank warm beer. Read messages on facebook and emails from old, long lost friends. Felt lonely. Felt disconnected. Felt that my mask of stoicism is slipping or maybe just a bit skewed. I am getting closer to crying. Not ready to actually succumb to it. It is all creeping up into my vision and the blurred lines are becoming quite apparent and too real.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
out on my own
Friday night, I went to play poker. I had a bad beat, pocket pair of Jacks (mine) against pocket nines (his, and he was as annoying as a mosquito at midnight). He ended up with four of a kind. (I rarely, okay never use this word, but this guy was a douche. EEWWWW! I know, but he was loud, obnoxious and had a Boston accent just to twist the knife in a little deeper!) Needless to say, I was out. Oh and pretty mad. So I drove my angry little self home. It was only 10:30. As I drove in my car, I decided I wanted to go dancing. I grabbed my phone, but of course no one would go with me, I knew that. So I put it down and thought, what the hell. I make my own fun. So, I went by myself!
Things I learned while going dancing by myself:
1. you never sit alone long at the bar
2. the beer tastes just as good by yourself or with a gaggle of girls
3. instead of feeling alone, I felt empowered that I was brave enough to go whether or not someone was with me!
4. there are lots of nice girls that go dancing with husbands or boyfriends that don't dance so I always had someone to dance with
5. when I finally do feel that I am ready to find a man, it is going to be very easy to find one
But, it was definitely an experience. I think I have a broken nose now. I never thought that I could get a broken nose from dancing like a whore, but I did! Another hot girl, my age even, from Georgia even, with two boys even, was dancing wildly with me and flung her head back into my face and ta da! Bloody nose! I walked to the bathroom and by the time she caught up to apologize I was laughing about the whole thing! Has this ever happened to anyone else? She told me it wasn't funny and she was so sorry and so embarrassed and all I could do was laugh and try to contain the blood. Now my nose is bruised and even my teeth hurt! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. My first experience going alone.
But, here is some insight, well my insight. Whenever I had a friend going through a divorce I was ALWAYS the one to be the support and the one to drag them out of their house to dance and not sit on the couch bawling. Part of me is sad that I don't have that person to depend on for me as I go through this crap. But, on the other hand, what I learned is that I don't need that person. I am that person. I am my own support system. That makes me feel brave and strong.
Another sad, interesting issue: I read my horoscope this weekend. It said that when I say goodbye to someone (lover or friend) this weekend I shouldn't be surprised at their reaction. They are not as prepared for this goodbye as I am.
Randy is not talking to me this weekend. I packed all day Saturday and took two loads over to my sisters. I asked for his help and he ignored me. I called his phone and texted him a few times and he ignored me. I have so many mixed emotions about this. I am sad for him, but at the same time he had so many years to make me feel like I was his priority and he never did take innitiative. How did he think it all would end? I just have to keep reminding myself that any husband/father that would go to a strip club the night before mother's day and get nothing for his wife/mother of his children is not a man that respects or wants his partner. That one action really sums it all up.
Things I learned while going dancing by myself:
1. you never sit alone long at the bar
2. the beer tastes just as good by yourself or with a gaggle of girls
3. instead of feeling alone, I felt empowered that I was brave enough to go whether or not someone was with me!
4. there are lots of nice girls that go dancing with husbands or boyfriends that don't dance so I always had someone to dance with
5. when I finally do feel that I am ready to find a man, it is going to be very easy to find one
But, it was definitely an experience. I think I have a broken nose now. I never thought that I could get a broken nose from dancing like a whore, but I did! Another hot girl, my age even, from Georgia even, with two boys even, was dancing wildly with me and flung her head back into my face and ta da! Bloody nose! I walked to the bathroom and by the time she caught up to apologize I was laughing about the whole thing! Has this ever happened to anyone else? She told me it wasn't funny and she was so sorry and so embarrassed and all I could do was laugh and try to contain the blood. Now my nose is bruised and even my teeth hurt! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. My first experience going alone.
But, here is some insight, well my insight. Whenever I had a friend going through a divorce I was ALWAYS the one to be the support and the one to drag them out of their house to dance and not sit on the couch bawling. Part of me is sad that I don't have that person to depend on for me as I go through this crap. But, on the other hand, what I learned is that I don't need that person. I am that person. I am my own support system. That makes me feel brave and strong.
Another sad, interesting issue: I read my horoscope this weekend. It said that when I say goodbye to someone (lover or friend) this weekend I shouldn't be surprised at their reaction. They are not as prepared for this goodbye as I am.
Randy is not talking to me this weekend. I packed all day Saturday and took two loads over to my sisters. I asked for his help and he ignored me. I called his phone and texted him a few times and he ignored me. I have so many mixed emotions about this. I am sad for him, but at the same time he had so many years to make me feel like I was his priority and he never did take innitiative. How did he think it all would end? I just have to keep reminding myself that any husband/father that would go to a strip club the night before mother's day and get nothing for his wife/mother of his children is not a man that respects or wants his partner. That one action really sums it all up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
+037.jpg)
+045.jpg)
