another moment

Isn't it interesting how we go through life thinking one thing about ourselves and deluding ourselves until we discover or rediscover what is truly there? I was talking with a friend about life, religion, and perceptions and I realized one thing about myself that I have always known, but somehow failed to remember, or perhaps I covered it up with all my other self deceptions...

I love working with children.

I had forgotten until he told me a story about his daughter thanking him for.... "everything, daddy". And there it was, the reminder that children keep me grounded. Children have it all figured out, they don't judge, they just accept what life hands to them and still laugh and play and enjoy being. They are grateful for the smallest, unnoticed, simple joys of life. They don't put labels and definitions on things. They are taught to do that. They don't understand what trust is or faith or fear until someone introduces them to those concepts. They live completely in the moment, and they feel everything! It is amazing! I need to be around these little examples of what I need to get back to a little longer. And I need to remember that I love being there and getting to witness their discovery of the world!

a rainy day rant and if onlies

yes... once again it rains here in Georgia, the flood waters are rising where they have just ebbed away... and here am I, warm with cold toes, dry, drinking my green tea and chewing big red gum with rainy, wicked thoughts dancing through my mind. Thoughts that pertain to a certain someone that really should go unmentioned, but I can't resist... I have too much to say and feel on the effing matter! And, oh, don't I wish that I could rip that part of me that has those feelings out and store it in the freezer until a later date when they could (if ever possible) be acted upon!!! I just need to say FUCK! here.

It all consists of the "if only" man! Sounds like a super hero perhaps, a worker of wonders, someone whose power could change the time space continuum. But, no, he's the one that I didn't choose, that apparently (in my twisted, blinded, self deceiving mind), I should have chosen. The one, that while years pass, and friendships run their course, and children are born, and wrinkles appear in the creases of eyes, and wisdom creeps in and seeps away, and loves of our lives fade, there are still feelings... strong, unwanted feelings.

I tell myself that I don't know him at all... (which may or may not be true) that I project qualities and characteristics all over him! That he is as fictitious as an Anne Rice Viking Vampire that just wants to be "saved"! I have created him, completely, made him into what I think he is and isn't it all just one repulsive, distracting, compulsive lie?

But, then we talk, and I don't have to explain anything because he knows me well enough to know what I am saying while using the fewest amount of words. And he laughs, and I like the warmth of his laughter and the memories that flood back. And I can't help but wonder.... what if we had.... how would my world be different today?

I detest, abhor, and am reviled by the stupidity of it all. And to be completely honest, if I peek my head out from under the blanket of my own self deceptions, I can see that it is a safety mechanism. Isn't it? It is much easier to profess having loved and lost the opportunity to cultivate the love, than it is to admit that I am afraid to allow myself to be open to love ever again. It is easier to cling to unrequited emotions, easier than fearing that I may not be capable of experiencing romance ever again. In my heart of hearts, I have my suspicious thoughts that I am using it as a shield.

But, I want to hash it out... It has been so many, many years now, almost like the mole that you should have removed, but you are so used to it now, why waste the time? Perhaps it is cancer now, well, no perhaps about it. It is eating away at me. Damn, this wonderfully, amazingly painful human condition that we all suffer through. And, damn all the emotions that we use to distract ourselves from what is truly eating at us. I know I am not quite ready to face the authentic, seven headed, fang baring monster. That one is going to hurt, excruciatingly and exquisitely. So I will keep up the pretenses and distractions until I feel strong enough to slay the slumbering beast.

my thoughts these days, if you believe

I had a conversation with someone last night... supernatural occurrences in my life. I am not a believer either way, it takes too much commitment and I am not willing to commit. I shared an experience that goes something like this:

Once upon an eerie night, Amber was laying in her bed with restlessness roaming through her head. She heard footsteps coming down the hall. Kids? Husband? Sister? No one. Hmm.. odd, she thought to herself as the eeriness crept over her once again.
She went to the other end of the house where husband played on the computer and sister slept on the couch.
"Please come to bed," hangs in the air, ignored, as usual.
"please. things are just weird tonight."
of all people, he should understand what she means by weird. He does understand, but World of Warcraft tempts his attentions away from his real life, flesh and blood, responsibility laden wife.
"Your sister will go sleep with you if you are scared." one sentence, no eye contact. what horrors would occur if his eyes were removed from his precious, soul sucking, succubus of a computer, aptly named Lola the tramp.
"nevermind." the sister is asleep on the couch anyway.
Back to my room, alone in my bed, footsteps approaching again. I have a sense that something is standing at the head of my bed between me and the closet and I am feeling threatened, unsafe, afraid. I raise my arm to the square, I pray and relief washes over me as my heart quickens then slows to a normal beat.
Did I just do that? Cast out a spirit? (Oh I was quite the believer back then.) I felt safe once more. Well, until I heard my son crying anyway... two doors down. My two year old wakes from a sound sleep saying in his baby babble that something is in his room, only moments after the "casting out". I was frightened, pulled the crying baby into the bed with me and finally succumbed to sleep.

Two days later, I find out that my husband hit on my sister that night. Evil was afoot. In my religiously twisted mind of those days, evil could be invited into a home. I knew I had felt something. I knew the husband needed to be in my bed with me, yet he refused. And I also knew that the husband liked to dabble with the crossing of lines. What would his wife tolerate? What would she forgive? How much can I shatter her heart and remain the husband? What sweet, thoughtful, precious, tortuous games he played. I left him, packed the kids and told him he had a week to get out. I let fear rule me once again and I returned to him. Life was never the same.

Now here is the interesting point made in conversation last night, not a point that ever occurred to me, not a supernatural point, more the power of the mind. (Not that I need help disputing the supernatural, but here is added fuel to the fire.)

When all was said last night, my friend says,"Ahhhh......" Like he has discovered how to create gold. And mind you he came to this conclusion quickly too, a point of view that never even entered my mind just popped into his like a perfect little nugget of wisdom.

I will paraphrase (badly I am sure), "You know, it makes perfect sense... some underlying, ancient part of you knew that you were being threatened and it manifested itself, so much so that the child of the mother also experienced the manifestation." Wow. Really? Perhaps....

Do I believe it? No. Do I disbelieve? Not at all. But, it is definitely a new light, isn't it? Definitely a perspective worth exploring.

rainy day thoughts and TMI

I don't know why, but rain makes me think of sex... a lot... okay, these days, everything makes me think of sex, a lot. Dammit all to Hades. It has been raining for about two weeks straight and everyday in the quiet with only soft music and the rain tapping on the glass windows, images flood my mind. Stop, I say, stop it now, but it doesn't work. Welcome to the single woman dilemma of going through sexual prime without a partner. It is torture, to say the least. But, I am feeling it, so wonder of wonders, life is good!

generally

I am usually a very confident person. I know I am smart and pretty and magnetic and capable of everything, but every once in a while, well every three weeks or so to be exact, I go through this phase of complete and utter insecurity and second guessing and downright fear based behavior. I recognize it and try to push it away and know that I am the brave, strong woman I am, but it sneaks in mostly when things around are quiet and maybe dark and I am alone with my thoughts. It is interesting how differently things look when it is dark and quiet and you are alone. These days, I am staying busy. I know I am filling the silence, filling the voids left here and there. But, this too shall pass... and I will ride the roller coaster up that steep hill again and feel the wind whipping my hair and my stomach in my throat and the thrills of life will take me on another adventure. I will not hold on!!! With my hands above my head I will scream and laugh and feel the passions of being alive! And I will remember to bask in the greatness of it all!


...and now I am off to hang green board in the bathroom.

and yes, I know.... I am my own greatest cheerleader (and maybe a lot vain, but right now I need to be).

all wrapped up

someone I knew passed away over the weekend. I didn't know him well, but he made an impression on me. He was kind, wise, giving and open. I liked him. He wasn't young, but he wasn't really old either. "death sometimes comes in for supper and bites you in the ass" -stephen king. Why yes, it does. I am so preoccupied with shallow things. I am trying so hard to not face the reality of my life, I suppose, trying to be brave and strong and able. trying not to be hurt and broken and confused, oh and mostly afraid. I don't want vulnerability anymore. I want to take a spoon and scoop that part of my brain out of my head, plant it in the ground in the back yard and see what can grow there, probably some twisted, thorny, blackened vine. I have wicked plans in the making, I don't know what that makes me. I don't need a savior, I need to save myself. Or that is how I feel anyway. I am still the ice burg.

how?

I have an angry boy. He is very angry. 13 is a difficult age. I remember 13 very well. He tells me he doesn't care about me. Not that he hates me, he just doesn't care. He is angry and cruel to everyone around him. I don't know how to reach him. It is so frustrating. He will pick on someone just so he can punch them. The only solution that comes to me is to give the boy some space, but he will enter a room full of people just to instigate a fight. Testosterone sucks!