two or more

there are two sides or more to everyone aren't there? so many facets to a face. it is winter here and the winter me is dark and cold just like it is outside, leave out the purity of the white snow. there is none of that here. oh god no! i started another blog. i don't think i can merge the two. my dark and light side. funny, this is the light side and it is still pretty dark. i am going to buy paints and a canvas and some more art supplies. this is the year to get out of my head and let my creativity spark something outside of wallowing in the depths of depression and darkness and heathenism. if only i could not settle in my sallow flesh so comfortably. let in some light. chiaroscuro

did i mention?

did i mention?
the divorce was final oct 21, 2010. up, dressed, at the court by nine. waited for hours. spent the day with him. went to sushi for lunch. had a beer. laughed. cried. confessions by me that i had planned on spending the rest of my life with him. failed. at least his eyes became red rimmed and welled with a tear or two. he ignored her calls. spent some time with the boys. odd. kissed him good bye. he said he couldn't do it because he was in love with someone. bull shit. while our lips met the phone rang and it was her. he lives with her now (since august and somehow i drove him to it). her eyes never meet mine. she is lovely, insecure, and a victim of abuse. his favorite kind of girl. he doesn't have to try too hard with her. just not beating the shit out of her is enough. i resent him. he sees the boys for 24 hours out of a month now. it hurts them and at times they even admit it. i try to be nice. kill him with kindness. help too much so he is able to be ridiculously, irresponsibly twenty again. it really is repulsive and what is worse is that it hurts me still. i keep waiting for the disgust, rage and hurt to be replaced with indifference. achingly slowly, detachment is sneaking up on me.

the cold is seeping in...

i want this winter to be different, not so dark, not so cold, not so dank. everything is different now than it was last winter. the tunnel has ended and i find myself in a healthier place, i don't say healthy, but not as sickly for sure. i am almost faithful, almost believing in the universe providing for me and my children. i have someone in my life, a knight in shining armor, someone that gladly bears my burdens with me and somehow finds joy in it. it makes no sense to me. i feel restless at times and he is okay to let me roam and find my way back. no boxes here. and yet, i am still freaked out. i almost feel like it would be giving up the ghost to allow myself into a true, deep relationship. the logical me knows that my views are skewed. what is more important than sharing life with others? but am i willing to give up the ghost and why would i feel that a relationship is only entered into by sacrificing oneself? odd, wrong. i can't allow myself to just 'be'. i always over think, over analyze, self destruct. and my mind wanders as always to the one i left, the mess that wears me down and keeps me prostrate and frozen. no good comes from that and yet i am not ready or willing to let it go. i always keep that self destruct button within reach. how would i function without it? isn't it all quite interesting? the knight doesn't over think or over analyze, he just lives... is that an example to me or a pet peeve of mine? does the lack of thought add dents and dullness to the armor?

stupid girl

he was never anything more than a good fuck and an occasional laugh, i try to believe. the person i thought i could depend on for the rest of my life, share everything always, faded really fast. stolen lazy sundays in bed laughing and being together never did last. and the alleged man i loved was replaced by a silver tongued, no one in particular. he wasn't someone to be trusted, a liar, a facade, an emotional vampire. and yet here i am a year after i moved out, after i finally allowed myself the freedom i needed, mourning the loss of him, the manipulator, the deceiver, the porn addict, food addict, poker addict, the addict that always looked in the wrong places for something to fill the voids in his life. the addict that proved over and over that meaningless rot was higher on his list of priorities than his wife and children. why do I mourn him? I deserve so much more than fifth or eighth or twelfth on the list? why do I mourn a man that could tell me how beautiful and amazing and incredible I was, but could never show me with actions what he said so easily with words instead he only nullified everything that was whispered sweetly. why do I mourn a man that would support everything wholeheartedly, make me feel like marble pillars were beneath me to lift me high enough to achieve any goal within my heart's desire only to cause those pillars to tumble with carefully chosen words that always kept me in my place.... under his thumb, held down because of his fears and insecurities. and here i am like a shallow woman defacing my own integrity because i want him to want me, always. i want him to mourn the loss of me. i want to be the one real regret of his life. i want him to realize and always have a hole that will never be filled because he lost me. because sadly, i will always have one, not because i lost him, but because i was never worth it for him to put forth any effort to maintain or rebuild or cultivate a love that would last all our days. i can't help it, i feel that my family is broken, the boys swear it isn't , but my family was at first, only their father. and now he is gone. by his choice and inactivity and indifference. and my heart is not moving on. my logic knows there is no reason to hold onto this, i am better off, but i just can't find the way to let it all go. i can't stop the hurt when i see him with someone else, and i know that he and she steal those lazy sundays and lay in bed laughing and touching and reveling in each other. and i am here with someone profoundly amazing and can not allow myself to let this go and not care and not feel the hurt enough to revel in what i have right here right now. and i am here with our boys as he gets quiet night after quiet night to cultivate a new love and put time and effort into something else that is worth it to him, so unlike me, and his boys, and his broken family. he has little distraction from building a relationship with someone who meant nothing to him for seventeen years and now gets all of him so there are only scraps of a saturday here or there left for the ones that used to mean everything, but never meant enough.....

what's on my mind

nothing in particular and a hell of a lot.
i will do this in list format, it is so much easier and I love lists.
1. the ex is a fuck up. i am afraid he will disappear from the lives of his boys at the soonest opportunity and it is creeping up faster than i am comfortable with.
2. the almost something doesn't speak to me anymore... i lost one of my best friends and a plethora of other good friends that were connected to him because of my selfishness and lack of self control.
3. i am heading to new york city in two days (my first time there). i am not as excited as i should be and i wonder if something is wrong with me. but, on the bright side i will be in the most trusted hands.
4.my boys and my boys and my boys. am i (are we) fucking them up. they are quite passive and it is not always good to be passive about life, but they learn it from watching me (and he)
5. i do not know how i deserve the one that i am with and i do not know why it is so difficult to fight off the self destructive thoughts that i have about that situation. it could be "the rest of my life" kind of thing and it would be good. why must i consistently destroy that which is good for me? (my fear is that i am putting myself back into a box and not being who i want to be. fuck it. either he kicks me to the curb or he doesn't! i will not live my life in a cube because i am afraid of losing someone. i should be most afraid of losing me!)
6. I make it a point to not capitalize "I". I will delete I and replace it with i. Am I that unimportant? Worthless? It means something I know and I will not change it yet.
7. i am still hung up on thinking that perhaps the ex is the love of my life. i hate that, loathe it, wish i could throw it into the depths of hades and watch it burn.
8. a connection with people is the most important thing to me in the world, am i putting so much into that that i am refusing to embrace my life and be fearless? i deserve to be successful, why do i keep pussing out on the pursuit of an education and success? am i that self-destructive? sometimes the way that i let fear rule me disgusts and repulses me.
9. and i have no respect for marriage at all whatsoever. i believe it is a crock full of shit. commitments perhaps, but marriage is ridiculous and people are foolish to believe that someone will be faithful because of a fucking piece of paper.

restlessness and a new boyfriend

the experiences that i have had the last year need to be put to rest in a wooden box, the size of a coffin with more than just nails at the corners. i don't want to remove them from my memory because invaluable lessons were learned, but i need to turn my back on them and take the power from them. and why is it that once a person finally brings herself to commit to a relationship all past flings scurry into sight like the light has been turned on in a roach infested kitchen. not to say the flings were all roaches, but they were at the very least crickets or ants or roly poly potato bugs. no keepers, only infestations to get rid of. darkness attracts that type i suppose. and here i am wondering what the fuck i am up to and why i am feeling restless and a bit angry and perhaps bitter as well? and there is the slumbering beast, as always, lurking in the deepest recesses of my mind just waiting for me to make my way back. interestingly i feel that i may be a victim of that odd mental disorder that makes a person think that they are in love with their captor. i need to find my self respect, i believe. and i might be on the right road, but i am pretty damn sure that i am about to run out of gas. i need a superhero with a gas can, I believe.

summertime yellows?

life can be quite confusing when your tromping down the road toward crazy. i have found myself enough to know what i need in my life and luckily i have been removing the odorific dredges that drag me down. i am feeling much better and even have some light filtering in through leaves making me a bit dappled.

how about words like...

lies, deceit, deceived, betrayed, deflated, depressed, fool, stupid, false, mourn, loss, breathe.... perchance to hope, perchance not.

anticipation

life is odd... circles back to the beginning it seems.... and ode to joy it is almost june. i can not wait, and yet it bothers me to wish my days away.

And it was another fantastic fabulous friday: flip flop fancy feet fiesta! these are the days that make me love my job! oh and washable crayola markers!

words amaze me

words like soft, delicate, entranced, touch, adore, experience, envelop, dream, explore, believe, feel, sparkle, laugh, hope, fall, grow, learn, trust, heal, love...

I am stunned! Spring always brings a new beginning to me, my life cycles with the cycles of the seasons! What a change I am embarking on! I feel closer to God, I believe in things that I never thought were possible, and wow! I am finding faith again, and joy, and love! Once again I am truly amazed and see myself as blessed, BLESSED! not lucky.... BLESSED! I am blooming and ready to grow!

lining them up

i feel like i may be lining them up so they can fall
saying all the right things
doing all the right things
being what they need, when they need
laughing and carrying on
with all the joy of nations
covering the broken ness of it all

i feel like a good cry
might get the ache out
but i know i am wrong
the dark is too deep and strong
and you know me
and that scares me
i am so torn, so tattered and torn

and the moments pass with feeling
and it scares me all the more
i wonder, will I be the one left sprawling on the floor

january

january is finally over, it is still cold, snow flurries flurry occasionally and i am in a happier place. life is good. life is an adventure worth taking and finding the bravery it takes to live it. exciting. i am headed to az for oh so many reasons, some of which can not be written, others are just for a bit of healing time, family time, escape time, mulling time. so many forks in this road right now, so many ways to go, so many distractions all of which are just as important as the next. wow my vague ways are going to creep up on me... months will pass, years will pass and even i will have no clue what the hell i am talking about!

i still wonder.... am i capable of being in love, for longer than a fleeting moment?
melting?
melding?
wondering where i end and another begins?
touching?
feeling?
really feeling?
allowing someone to remain close
and not demeaning any of it?
opening myself to the possible heartache
or joy?
i don't think i can find the bravery needed for that.
i don't think i want to even look for it.
i am upended.
still.

just another day in the life

it is cold here, snow flurries and temps of 22 degrees in the morning. the steering wheel is too cold to touch, i use my sweater as a buffer and check email while i drive, maimed like. thinking too many thoughts. hoping for something in particular. noticing dilapidated barns, feeling a bit dilapidated myself. wondering how many wicked things i can fit in one day and if karma really is a bitch or as imaginary as a unicorn or cracken. i may have had an epiphany, okay yes i did. i am the devil that wants to f#*& me in the back of the car. no one else quite has that power. deviant? yes, quite often. i am not bragging, just coping, trying to find my balance of good and evil, light and dark, devil and bob, i guess. work is work is work, my life begins when it is over and ends when it begins. i am not me there, i couldn't possibly be me there. and that is good, a good break from me, a chance to be surrounded by innocence and reminded of the simplest things in life. i am looking forward to warmer temperatures and a chance to find distractions outside my head and outside a warm bed.

at sea

i feel like i am being tossed to and fro, climbing to the crest only to crash to the bottom, luckily never been thrown overboard, but finding myself thrown for a loop, brain not functioning correctly

the last day

oh so many things occur in two months of a broken computer. life has a funny way of twisting and turning and testing morals and boundaries. hmmm..... i tried dating just one person for a while. approximately 6 weeks. i decided that i am not ready to put myself back into a relationship where the lines of who i am and who i want to be become blurred with the lines of someone else. i haven't found myself enough to be lost in someone once again. we are now allegedly seeing other people, but we gravitate back to one another. i am just being okay with that. and weekends with him are a safe harbor for me. and he is just being okay with that.

the ex and i are finding some sort of peace with each other. i don't agree with his life, and i am probably the more lost one. i find myself listening to horrible songs that depict the kind of relationship we should have had songs with words like when the kids get old enough we're going to teach them to fly, you and me together can do anything anything... bullshit.... here is my realistic lyric i got to be unconditionally unafraid of my days without you... there is no place in this heart for him anymore. but confessions have been made and he is seeing where i am in all of this. and there was a night of stolen moments in which i discovered my feelings for him are cinders now. good for me. and in those moments there were apologies and words that bring closure. i am definitely moving on.

there are other words that should be written here at this time, but the silence is a better choice. i am taking things one second at a time, no prejudgment, no expectations. but, i know that i am on my way to where i need and want to be.