confusion is setting in

sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads don't we? to stay? to go? this direction? straight ahead? or veer from the path? and which is the path that will lead to the place that I will be happiest? is there a right or wrong way? can't I just have a hint? a peek into the future? please?

and now for something a little bit different

just to remind me... we had our first date september 27.
how is it possible that someone can be so considerate? and thoughtful? and generous? hmmm... and when I am with him, it seems that the world melts away and I can say and do anything and tell him anything. and I am so comfortable and perfectly content.

another page

things to catch up on...
his new girlfriend-she is 22, yes 22! Disgusting and I can't help it but what the hell does she see in a fat selfish lazy slob? Oh wait... he always pays her tab. Nice... um dude... your kids need shoes, quit buying your skank alcohol... (yes, I am still a little bitter. oh and christmas is coming and he spends his money on her. spectacular!) and she met his ten year old son crawling across the floor because she was too drunk to walk. But, he trusts her.

and so it goes....

what a night!

let me start with this..... he was coming to pick up the young, man-boy and for some reason parked at the bottom of the hill. WHAT THE HELL? i have papers for him to fill out and it is pouring rain, so i wrap the papers in my warm fuzzy robe and trek out into the drizzling night. he says the car has died... my car.... the one he would be using until he got a car of his own. shit. fuck. and damn too. no car for me i guess. he says it has been making scary sounds for a few weeks and he just never took it in. (SURPRISE) ignore it, it will go away... his motto for everything from cars to his wife of 16 years.... (that's another rant though) of course the car dies.

they try to push it in the rain. too dangerous. so i arrange a ride for him (i can't drive, been drinking wine with my sister) now this is what i don't understand. i arrange a ride for him, he would be home, without a car, but home where he could deal with whatever it is he needs to deal with. instead of taking the ride he asks if he can take my car. sure. whatever. he calls a "friend" of his to follow him back over to my house to bring my car back. now why on god's raining, muddy, floody georgia earth why would he do that? is he that illogical. had he taken the ride i arranged all that happened next could have been avoided because i would have never known a woman was going to his house....

instead, this is what happens... she follows him over, they get to my house around ten thirty, he hands me the keys and it occurs to me that it is late and there is a woman waiting for him and he says he will use her car the next day. so of course being me i say, you are not having sleepovers at your house in front of our boys (when i tried to hand him divorce papers earlier he refused to take them because he didn't want to deal with the divorce on top of everything, but he can have a sleepover! with our boys in the next room?!?) WE HAVE NOT EVEN FILED YET DOUCHE BAG AND YOU ARE BRINGING A WOMAN HOME TO MEET OUR KIDS AND SLEEPOVER! he says to me "can we talk about this when i am not standing in the rain?" i am floored. beyond floored and pissed and hurt that he would think that it is okay, they are teen age boys, they know what is going on when "daddy has a sleepover"! (i think i might throw up now)

so he texts me.... yes TEXTS me: amber you know it is only one person that i trust

fuck you randy! good for you that you are fucking some girl and good for you that you trust her, but be discreet about things please. you are influencing teen age boys thank you very much. then he goes on to tell me that he had no other place to be with her and he won't wait til it is his weekend without kids (every two weeks is too long) and they have met her before and she sneaks out after they go to school. WHAT THE HELL! and he trusts her... oh and OH OH OH he says he is not like me... he needs to feel something for someone before he can sleep with them. What the hell kind of jab is that? he has known her for a while and they have been dating exclusively for a while and she has helped him through a lot of crap. well okay then... that makes it okay for you to flaunt in front of everyone that you are sleeping with her! NICE! he says he needs me to trust that he thought it through. oh fuck you, with what did you think it through?

I resign. here is my resignation.... there is no way for me to control that household at all. none whatsoever. it is his household. his. but, oh god! are my boys okay with that? and will she be moving in soon?

here we are

here we are at the end of the marriage... it occurs to me that it only takes one paper to be married and at least a hundred to dissolve the marriage. it is repulsive. I thought it would hurt, be uncomfortable sitting next to him pointing to where he needed to sign. he cracks a joke about the office needing to be sprayed because of the decorative insects on the wall. ha ha. isn't that how we all deal with awkwardness. he even looks good, back to the gym, losing weight, fixing his hair, wearing nicer clothes, happier? perhaps... i thought my throat would tighten and tears might well up in my eyes.... i thought that there would be a pang in my stomach when i saw the sadness in him, but there was none of that. just anxiousness to get it done, but I am a mess. i know that. i drank too much Friday night and puked all day saturday.... i said too much to too many people while drunk and made out with people i shouldn't have. god, i am a mess. and doesn't that make my eyes fill with tears a little. just that i am not the person i want to be. i am frustrated that i don't bounce back so easily, my stomach is twisted in knots, food doesn't taste good or look good anymore. even beer is not as attractive. i don't think it is the divorce... i know part of it is, but it is something else that is twisting a knife in me, torturing me, making me wish my moments away. i want to heal, but i don't know if i know how. at times i feel like i am drowning and my anxiety is off the charts. i am still searching for that quiet, safe, warm place where i can just be and let it go. a place to maybe cry and release my hurt and anger so that i can forgive and accept and move on. but that would admit that i am affected, wouldn't it? it is confusing to me that i feel so numb toward him and yet so jaded. i don't blame him so much as the idealism that was in me in the first place. somehow against my best judgment i gave marriage a chance and it failed me.

well then

I think I am ready to focus now. I think I am ready to give up all the distractions and take responsibility. At this point it is all a pile of rubbish anyway, isn't it. There is one... in due time. I have things to do. I need to stop whining about it and just do it all.

slipping

the issues are not being skirted anymore and words have been said and plans have been made and i am sinking and slipping and i don't think that i want to claw for higher ground, i won't reach out for an anchor to keep me from being completely enveloped in a place that will be warm and safe and perfectly what i have always wanted for so long, so long, but given at such a cost. always believed, perhaps foolishly, this would happen.

epiphany

Create a MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

and fyi

I think I need a new place to think.... this place is censored once again.

filing it all away

I received my divorce papers... it took me about 5 days to open them and about 5 discussions of how things were and about 5 arguments with myself and him! And probably 5 tears... only 5 then I went to sleep. The next day tears welled, but never fell. I feel vulnerable, my voice is a bit shaky when I talk about it and how dare he make me feel guilty when he made me feel so unwanted, constantly not worthy of attention oh and like a ghost. I go back to anger... then detachment. and so it goes. I fill voids still, with stupid choices that keep me safe. and I try not to share any of the hurt and hope that no one asks specific questions that would actually allow them to see me for who I really am, fraudulently strong. I am so guarded now, even with supposed friends, sisters, everyone... even myself. Is there safety in numbers? Juggling people around and never putting anything real into any of them. Sharing only the least of the whos and whats and whens of life. my secrets abide. and through it all my moral standing has deflated like one of those dancing air men in front of a car sales lot. I am almost tempted to find jesus, if only the idea weren't so repugnant! if only I could pluck my logic out of my head! if only I could bare another lie that I tell myself for the comfort. But, I know me well enough I suppose. I wouldn't believe, I would just pack it up with all the other lies and file it away under L.

winter

it is cold where I am, so cold and numbing and keeping me from feeling the spring, cleansing rain... the dead seasons linger here. i need a safe, warm place, a haven. my thoughts don't allow such a thing. i feel so small and fragile and vulnerable, playing dress-up, playing house, playing brave and strong and grown up. fear rules this place. rotting things surround me. and i am reveling in how this all became so dark. perhaps it is me.... always putting out the fire, the monster, the terror, the destroyer, the liar and manipulator. i am skirting around the bottom, being slowly sucked into a whirlpool into the depths of the pit. now there is only change...

posts of blogs past

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

sign seeker
Current mood: curious

Ok, to be perfectly honest, I am not a sign seeker. Ok, to be more perfectly honest, I totally am! I don't hold merit to much of anything that has to do with personal faith because it is just that, personal. So something that holds true for one person is not always true for the next and unless I experience it myself or see it myself or research it myself, I will not believe anything no matter how meaningless it is. But, I am very interested in the different views and beliefs that people have. So here is my non sign seeking/sign seeking tale! We were walking along the banks of a river in Georgia and my aunt while carefully watching each step on her path happened to find a beautiful butterfly that was dying, she picked it up and told us that the butterfly in the native american totem represents rebirth, change and metamorphosis. That made perfect sense to me. As for her, she was ecstatic to see it since she had left California and moved to Georgia and it was only her second day there, without a house or a job or selling her home in California. She saw it as a wonderful omen. I didn't think much about it until last night during one of my freaky insomnia nights. She found and saw a butterfly as a wonderful omen and my faithless, envious self wanted to see one too so I tried to figure out what our omen was. Then I remembered my uncle telling me that in the four years he had lived in Georgia he had never seen so many snakes as he had seen the day he went out with me and my family. I had written that off as something my boys had manifested, all they had talked about the entire drive is if they would see snakes and how many and so on. That was the most exciting prospect of the trip to them, seeing snakes. We happened to see seven of them in one day! So, I decided that was our omen, our animal totem whispering of what would soon become our reality in Georgia. Yes, I was a little freaked, snakes of course have a bad rep for being evil and all that, not to mention Adam and Eve. (Not that I am superstitious, but it is fun to dabble and learn mystical beliefs.) My hubby informed me that snakes are supposed to be a good sign, but couldn't remember why, and I had an inkling that he was absolutely right. So being who I am, first thing in the morning I headed straight to the internet to do some research. And what did I find?
The Magnificent Snake Totem possesses the following virtues:
Wisdom, healing, intuition, awaking of creative forces, ability to handle change without resistance, new opportunities for change, material vitality, intellect, power over rashness in speech and thought, emotional control, increased sensitivity to the environment, increased powers of smell, transmutation, and increased powers of observation, improves business and social life; wards-off negative energies; personal charm and magnetism; healing; regeneration, attracts luck.


Wow! I love it and then I read on to find out that the snake is also my birth totem. And, not that I am a sign seeker, (though, I love seeking signs) but it does lend some hope and cover some of the dreaded fear that tends to sneak up on me in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep and the only sound is the rambling voice in my head that never shuts the @#$% up! And of course it is another way to identify with the universe around me and respect a living creature that usually promotes fear. Native American folklore, religion, and beliefs seem to me to evolve from generations of human experience (so I tell myself) and I believe there must be some truth in it. Yes, yes there must be some truth in it, to me anyway because I see the beauty in it. Besides, Keats himself says,"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,--that is all
ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."



I suppose it is all just another crazy rambling on, trying to justify and find purpose and reason and comfort in the unknown. But, what the heck, if it is just a placebo that will help me sleep at night, bring on the placebo please!








Thursday, July 20, 2006

so I lost my faith
So I lost my faith, (which to keep I had pretty much stifled all logic, so no big loss) I am sure that everyone is on their own path to self-discovery spiritually speaking, some starting where their parents left off others starting "rock bottom atheist" as religious zealots would say, I say completely open-minded and willing to see spirituality at its true source. On my journey/decision to come back to believing in god, or a god (I definitely love the celtic gods, life was so much simpler to them: fish, war, pillage, kidnap and be buried with your weapons and combs cuz they had thich ass red hair) I came across this opportunity in a unitarian church to listen to a monk from tibet! (gotta love the unitarians) I swear before I saw the man enter the room I could feel his presence. I am sure everyone has experienced this in the presence of a spiritual giant whether they are christian, buddhist, catholic,baptist or mormon. This man was beautiful, like a statue from the middle east, red robes, bald head, wrinkled with wisdom and twinkling eyes. He spoke no english, so of course he had to have a translator. But, listening to his words and the emotion in his voice was a moving experience in itsself. He proceeded to tell his story: he was a political prisoner in tibet tortured by the chinese government on a daily basis for 30 years. He told us that occassionally he would be released only to be thrown back in prison for speaking out against the government. But the true message that he shared was preservation of the human spirit and how he understood that the men that tortured him were blinded by their greed and hate, he felt no anger toward them and realized his plight was one of less suffering than many in the world. He said that as a buddhist he practiced the law of well wishing and giving. He said he was not angry with these blinded men, instead he attempted every day to give them love and wish them well, but he did not have the power to give them a gift of love that they could recieve. His well wishing failed and he took that as his weakness that he could not love enough. He was very humble and genuinely sad about his so called "failure". He then proceeded to talk about anger and tempers (a huge red headed irish viking heritage fault of mine). He said one act stemming from anger can undo all the lessons of a lifetime! What an amazing way of looking at life. Anger only blinds and is usually a disguise for other more difficult emotions. So I keep this in my heart and try to remember when my temper flares: how can I be a stronger person than one who indulges on my selfish anger. ( I know that I had to learn this lesson, how else could I be the mother of five boys!) And when I feel like I can't get over my anger, I remember this humble man of small stature, withered with time and abuse whose spirit was unbroken, who loved deeply despite a degraded life and who still smiled with twinkling eyes because he could feel real, true joy. Who am I and what do I have in my life that I can justify my anger, hate, judmental nature? I am only blessed. And I am finding my faith.






Tuesday, July 18, 2006

insomnia
Current mood: discontent
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Lately I have had insomnia. I have never really had it before, I guess I am getting old and restless in my old age. I can not seem to turn my mind off at all. Too many thoughts running rampant. So last night I decided to try to meditate until I fall asleep (which is something I do at least twice a week even though you are not supposed to meditate to fall asleep, I guess I am just a rebel.) To fully understand my meditation crazies I must tell you that ever since I was a little girl and read books by Edgar Cayce I have tried to astral project. Okay, yes I am a nut, this is what I do when I cannot sleep. I must also tell you, I do not believe in astral projection at all, but am willing to be proven wrong. So last night as I lay in bed relaxing every part of my body and focusing on my own breathing I decided to once more attempt to spiritually leave my body. But, I tried it differently than usual. I read that your spirit leaves your body through the base of your skull or through your forehead (very contradictory, where is the science in all this mumbo jumbo?) So I decided to let my body leave my spirit. ( oh my hell I am a lunatic) It took me a second to figure out which way the earth was rotating because my logic told me the earth was carrying my body with it while my spirit would stay stationary (now remember I technically do not believe in astral projection so I do not understand myself why I put so much thought into this crap!) So I close my eyes and let my body sink into the bed, but then my leg itches (damn can I ignore it, no) Now I have to start all over. So I relax close my eyes and focus on my breathing, the hum of the fan sneaks in. In all seriousness, with my eyes closed, I see the rotation of the fan in lights. Obviously a trick of my crazy mind. I focus on the earth carrying my body from my spirit. I let my body fall away from me and I feel like I am left in a darkness, complete black (I tell myself I must be passing through my skull now, that makes perfect sense especially for a crazy loon like me) Then I see a light, almost like a tunnel. It is like one of those pictures you have to unfocus your eyes to see. You know, it is a jumble of beach things and when you unfocus your eyes you can see a woman on a beach towel. Anyways, that is what this tunnel thing was like, but I could not get it to come into focus. So once again I failed to leave my body. Bummer! And still I do not believe in astral projection, but that will not stop me from trying it at least 3 times a month. I will keep you updated, if I do leave my body I will let you know! I do have to tell you one kind of weird experience about my personal quest for astral projection. When I was pregnant with my second I meditated myself to sleep like usual, nothing interesting, but during that time a particular old friend I hadn't talked to since high school had been on my mind, a lot. Well, I dreamed about her and in my dream I was looking down on her and a baby girl, her daughter. I didn't think much of it but the next day I thought I would track her down and say hi, you've been on my mind, how is your life? So I called her mother and got her new phone number and found out she had gotten married. I talked to her on the phone and sure enough she had a brand new baby girl. Just something a little strange that keeps me thinking "could astral projection be possible? I'm gonna try it!" Now if any of you decide to join me on my psycho quest, let me know how you fare! Especially if you make it out of your head!!

talking with a friend

maybe I should start all blogs this way, these days.... I was talking with a friend... a new friend. He is friggin' brilliant! He is a twist of cynicism and faith in mankind. So odd to find that mixture, but he pulls it off well. He is non-religious, but has a bachelors in religious philosophy. He may be searching for something to hold onto, something to believe in, sorting through the rot to find some rough gem of truth. And he has done a lot of sorting, through a lot of rot and he has found many gems and he shares generously. He told me that he enjoys sharing these fables and stories because they are wise and profound and he hopes that people will make them their own and pass them on. So, that is my intro, the wisdom is credited and now here is the gem.... It shines some light on my slumbering beast.

The pyramids used to be topped with pure gold that would shine so brightly in the Egyptian, desert sun that people (humbly) had to keep their eyes down cast. The gold represented the gods, the most important and desirable things in life. It was supported by the entire base of the pyramid.

interesting tidbit of information

as for my slumbering beast, well, shall we begin then?
(this may take a while, ugh, maybe not many words, but some time, for me)

I met him when I was 18. Just friends, nothing more, the future was planned. Then he kissed me and the world stopped. Then, we had sex (terrible, first time sex, I might add) and I fell hard for him. The kind of falling that songs are written about, the kind that feels like your heart is being shredded when there are issues, and breathing is shallow and fast and hard. And touching, well hours could pass and fires ignite and still though satisfied you wanted more and more. Everything fell into place, fate was blamed and we married, had kids, years passed and still passion was there. And issues were there. But we had the top of the golden pyramid, for quite a long time. It was ours and we were blinded by it! And instead of maintaining the base and the strength and integrity of the foundation for it we thought it would just survive, like the pyramids. Then one block at a time, the trust, the respect, the consideration, adoration, friendship all began to turn to sand and everything crumbled around us. It was gone, it came crashing down. And now, I am left in the dust I suppose, no pieces to pick up because nothing is left to salvage, not even the desire to allow myself to be open to such things again. Hmmm. What a place to be. Supposedly wars have been fought for love and I find myself not believing in it anymore. But, I am sure that I had it, or at least a dysfunctional version of it that was passionate and life altering and consuming!

And so here it lies.... sleeping, deceiving perhaps? Keeping me from moving on. The rare, top of the golden pyramid, is it a once in a lifetime opportunity? I have learned so many lessons from my experience when it was mine. I feel like I am now in a better position and understanding in this life that I can completely maintain it and protect it(with the help of the right partner). But will I ever find it again, and the question is too, is the gold something that you just have (it was in my case)and build the base to support it(obviously our temple workers were inexperienced and inadequate) or can the base be built first and the golden top will be discovered in the building of the base? (chicken before the egg, I suppose.)

And the scariest demon of all is me. Will I be capable of the openness and vulnerability and trust that it will take to be able to experience all of it again?

slumbering beasts

still, I am not ready. still, it waits. and I run in the other direction, searching for distractions.

another moment

Isn't it interesting how we go through life thinking one thing about ourselves and deluding ourselves until we discover or rediscover what is truly there? I was talking with a friend about life, religion, and perceptions and I realized one thing about myself that I have always known, but somehow failed to remember, or perhaps I covered it up with all my other self deceptions...

I love working with children.

I had forgotten until he told me a story about his daughter thanking him for.... "everything, daddy". And there it was, the reminder that children keep me grounded. Children have it all figured out, they don't judge, they just accept what life hands to them and still laugh and play and enjoy being. They are grateful for the smallest, unnoticed, simple joys of life. They don't put labels and definitions on things. They are taught to do that. They don't understand what trust is or faith or fear until someone introduces them to those concepts. They live completely in the moment, and they feel everything! It is amazing! I need to be around these little examples of what I need to get back to a little longer. And I need to remember that I love being there and getting to witness their discovery of the world!

a rainy day rant and if onlies

yes... once again it rains here in Georgia, the flood waters are rising where they have just ebbed away... and here am I, warm with cold toes, dry, drinking my green tea and chewing big red gum with rainy, wicked thoughts dancing through my mind. Thoughts that pertain to a certain someone that really should go unmentioned, but I can't resist... I have too much to say and feel on the effing matter! And, oh, don't I wish that I could rip that part of me that has those feelings out and store it in the freezer until a later date when they could (if ever possible) be acted upon!!! I just need to say FUCK! here.

It all consists of the "if only" man! Sounds like a super hero perhaps, a worker of wonders, someone whose power could change the time space continuum. But, no, he's the one that I didn't choose, that apparently (in my twisted, blinded, self deceiving mind), I should have chosen. The one, that while years pass, and friendships run their course, and children are born, and wrinkles appear in the creases of eyes, and wisdom creeps in and seeps away, and loves of our lives fade, there are still feelings... strong, unwanted feelings.

I tell myself that I don't know him at all... (which may or may not be true) that I project qualities and characteristics all over him! That he is as fictitious as an Anne Rice Viking Vampire that just wants to be "saved"! I have created him, completely, made him into what I think he is and isn't it all just one repulsive, distracting, compulsive lie?

But, then we talk, and I don't have to explain anything because he knows me well enough to know what I am saying while using the fewest amount of words. And he laughs, and I like the warmth of his laughter and the memories that flood back. And I can't help but wonder.... what if we had.... how would my world be different today?

I detest, abhor, and am reviled by the stupidity of it all. And to be completely honest, if I peek my head out from under the blanket of my own self deceptions, I can see that it is a safety mechanism. Isn't it? It is much easier to profess having loved and lost the opportunity to cultivate the love, than it is to admit that I am afraid to allow myself to be open to love ever again. It is easier to cling to unrequited emotions, easier than fearing that I may not be capable of experiencing romance ever again. In my heart of hearts, I have my suspicious thoughts that I am using it as a shield.

But, I want to hash it out... It has been so many, many years now, almost like the mole that you should have removed, but you are so used to it now, why waste the time? Perhaps it is cancer now, well, no perhaps about it. It is eating away at me. Damn, this wonderfully, amazingly painful human condition that we all suffer through. And, damn all the emotions that we use to distract ourselves from what is truly eating at us. I know I am not quite ready to face the authentic, seven headed, fang baring monster. That one is going to hurt, excruciatingly and exquisitely. So I will keep up the pretenses and distractions until I feel strong enough to slay the slumbering beast.

my thoughts these days, if you believe

I had a conversation with someone last night... supernatural occurrences in my life. I am not a believer either way, it takes too much commitment and I am not willing to commit. I shared an experience that goes something like this:

Once upon an eerie night, Amber was laying in her bed with restlessness roaming through her head. She heard footsteps coming down the hall. Kids? Husband? Sister? No one. Hmm.. odd, she thought to herself as the eeriness crept over her once again.
She went to the other end of the house where husband played on the computer and sister slept on the couch.
"Please come to bed," hangs in the air, ignored, as usual.
"please. things are just weird tonight."
of all people, he should understand what she means by weird. He does understand, but World of Warcraft tempts his attentions away from his real life, flesh and blood, responsibility laden wife.
"Your sister will go sleep with you if you are scared." one sentence, no eye contact. what horrors would occur if his eyes were removed from his precious, soul sucking, succubus of a computer, aptly named Lola the tramp.
"nevermind." the sister is asleep on the couch anyway.
Back to my room, alone in my bed, footsteps approaching again. I have a sense that something is standing at the head of my bed between me and the closet and I am feeling threatened, unsafe, afraid. I raise my arm to the square, I pray and relief washes over me as my heart quickens then slows to a normal beat.
Did I just do that? Cast out a spirit? (Oh I was quite the believer back then.) I felt safe once more. Well, until I heard my son crying anyway... two doors down. My two year old wakes from a sound sleep saying in his baby babble that something is in his room, only moments after the "casting out". I was frightened, pulled the crying baby into the bed with me and finally succumbed to sleep.

Two days later, I find out that my husband hit on my sister that night. Evil was afoot. In my religiously twisted mind of those days, evil could be invited into a home. I knew I had felt something. I knew the husband needed to be in my bed with me, yet he refused. And I also knew that the husband liked to dabble with the crossing of lines. What would his wife tolerate? What would she forgive? How much can I shatter her heart and remain the husband? What sweet, thoughtful, precious, tortuous games he played. I left him, packed the kids and told him he had a week to get out. I let fear rule me once again and I returned to him. Life was never the same.

Now here is the interesting point made in conversation last night, not a point that ever occurred to me, not a supernatural point, more the power of the mind. (Not that I need help disputing the supernatural, but here is added fuel to the fire.)

When all was said last night, my friend says,"Ahhhh......" Like he has discovered how to create gold. And mind you he came to this conclusion quickly too, a point of view that never even entered my mind just popped into his like a perfect little nugget of wisdom.

I will paraphrase (badly I am sure), "You know, it makes perfect sense... some underlying, ancient part of you knew that you were being threatened and it manifested itself, so much so that the child of the mother also experienced the manifestation." Wow. Really? Perhaps....

Do I believe it? No. Do I disbelieve? Not at all. But, it is definitely a new light, isn't it? Definitely a perspective worth exploring.

rainy day thoughts and TMI

I don't know why, but rain makes me think of sex... a lot... okay, these days, everything makes me think of sex, a lot. Dammit all to Hades. It has been raining for about two weeks straight and everyday in the quiet with only soft music and the rain tapping on the glass windows, images flood my mind. Stop, I say, stop it now, but it doesn't work. Welcome to the single woman dilemma of going through sexual prime without a partner. It is torture, to say the least. But, I am feeling it, so wonder of wonders, life is good!

generally

I am usually a very confident person. I know I am smart and pretty and magnetic and capable of everything, but every once in a while, well every three weeks or so to be exact, I go through this phase of complete and utter insecurity and second guessing and downright fear based behavior. I recognize it and try to push it away and know that I am the brave, strong woman I am, but it sneaks in mostly when things around are quiet and maybe dark and I am alone with my thoughts. It is interesting how differently things look when it is dark and quiet and you are alone. These days, I am staying busy. I know I am filling the silence, filling the voids left here and there. But, this too shall pass... and I will ride the roller coaster up that steep hill again and feel the wind whipping my hair and my stomach in my throat and the thrills of life will take me on another adventure. I will not hold on!!! With my hands above my head I will scream and laugh and feel the passions of being alive! And I will remember to bask in the greatness of it all!


...and now I am off to hang green board in the bathroom.

and yes, I know.... I am my own greatest cheerleader (and maybe a lot vain, but right now I need to be).

all wrapped up

someone I knew passed away over the weekend. I didn't know him well, but he made an impression on me. He was kind, wise, giving and open. I liked him. He wasn't young, but he wasn't really old either. "death sometimes comes in for supper and bites you in the ass" -stephen king. Why yes, it does. I am so preoccupied with shallow things. I am trying so hard to not face the reality of my life, I suppose, trying to be brave and strong and able. trying not to be hurt and broken and confused, oh and mostly afraid. I don't want vulnerability anymore. I want to take a spoon and scoop that part of my brain out of my head, plant it in the ground in the back yard and see what can grow there, probably some twisted, thorny, blackened vine. I have wicked plans in the making, I don't know what that makes me. I don't need a savior, I need to save myself. Or that is how I feel anyway. I am still the ice burg.

how?

I have an angry boy. He is very angry. 13 is a difficult age. I remember 13 very well. He tells me he doesn't care about me. Not that he hates me, he just doesn't care. He is angry and cruel to everyone around him. I don't know how to reach him. It is so frustrating. He will pick on someone just so he can punch them. The only solution that comes to me is to give the boy some space, but he will enter a room full of people just to instigate a fight. Testosterone sucks!

mythical creature

So I may have stumbled across a mythical creature, a nice guy. I am perplexed and frightened and curious. I honestly didn't think they existed, or maybe this is the last one available. Well, crappity piece o' poo! I am so not in a place to offer anything more than a friendship, but so in a place that I want to and don't want to miss the chance on something that could be amazing. He gives me butterflies. But, I also know myself well enough to know that I may be projecting all kinds of pretend aspects to his personality. That is just the way I roll.... if you don't know, make it up. He reminds me of people from my past, regrets. I think it clouds my judgment. Life is never what we plan for ourselves, is it? And part of being brave is being open to opportunities that present themselves. Fear is not a piece of the puzzle of happiness, is it? How will I discover anything about anyone or anything if I refuse to be open to possibilities outside of my realm of thinking and planning. So, here we go. I am diving in, treading water, and waiting for an adventure!

misled

so I had my second date, same guy. he is wonderful, smart, witty, responsible, thoughtful, everything I could possibly want in a significant other. Except.... well maybe... I may have projected a lot of qualities on him that he didn't have. I may have assumed certain things about him and I may have expected certain reactions that weren't quite right. He made me believe that he wasn't in it for a serious relationship, but date two kind of went in that direction. So, maybe I have a new friend, maybe I have nobody. Either way, I need to let it all go and cleanse myself of all the distraction. I am definitely not in a place where I can donate my time to establishing and maintaining a relationship.

my first priority is to be a better mother
then get an education
a man has no place in my life right now.

no kids...

So this was my first weekend without kids. It is strange, quiet, even a little sad. I am restless and too lazy to do all the things I should do. I need to refocus and stop being distracted. If I am going to get anywhere in this life, I need to rearrange my priorities. I could have accomplished so much this weekend, but I didn't even attempt to.
crap....

addicted

There is so much to say about some of my recent experiences. Yet, surprisingly, I guess I have found something a little too personal to share. Weird. So unlike me, the one living life like an open book, not caring what others think. I guess I care if my actions are hurtful, and they are and inconsiderate as well. Oh and did I mention completely selfish? But, it was an experience and it was marvelous and grand. I would do it all over again. (And if you are thinking I had sex, you would be wrong. That hasn't happened in months. Woe is me. ) Maybe I will open up about it in a few months.

A 62 year old man invited me to go sailing in a real sail boat on the lake. I am very tempted to do it, just to do it and have done it. I have never been sailing before.

surprise

I still surprise myself.
"I need to be patient, I need to be brave, I need to discover how I need to behave..."
-KT Tunstell

ice burg

I wonder where I get this idea that I shouldn't feel things. I am following a script that I tell myself over and over. I am okay. And I truly believe that I am. I am happier and accomplishing things I have wanted to for a long time. But, I don't understand the side of me that makes me think that emotion is a sign of weakness. It is fine to cry if you feel the need (I rarely feel the need unless I drink a whole bottle of wine.) and yet I can not bring myself to cry or even feel like it is okay that I cry. Maybe I feel that I have wasted too many tears over the years crying over the same issues. I am spent. I saw the "ex" today. Wow! He is a massive drain on my positivity. He just looks so sad. I don't believe that I am projecting. I am not sad. I am too busy to be. I am confused at times. I miss sex a lot, most of the time, but I am not sad. I am excited about my future without him. Hell, I am excited about my present without him. But, I guess part of me is still affected by his temperament. That sucks. He came over yesterday and wore an Affliction hat. Of course being the brat that I am I commented on it. How could I not? Nice hat, good label for you, was I the one being afflicted by you, must be.... you're the one wearing the hat. He said I was funny, maybe I was hurtful. I asked him if he cried about the situation. He said he doesn't know. Have I cried. A little. And as sad as I feel (it is not very sad, maybe more annoyed, definitely surprised that I was affected by seeing him in his state and taking the last bits of my stuff)there is not a single cell in my body that wants to be with him. There is not a cell in my body that wants to try to make this sham, shell, facade, broken, dysfunctional relationship work. I will only put into it what I need to for the boys. I have sacrificed too much and gained too little. One, two, three, GO! To quote the ever profound proclaimers.... "I'm on my way from misery to happiness today...uh huh...uh huh...yeah!"

moving even further away

Last night I had my first date as a single woman. it was interesting and butterfly evoking and so many things wrapped up into a ball of excitement and dread and such passionate mind melting feelings. It could not have been more perfect had I scripted it. I am left with images of vampire eggplants and perfect kisses.

free?

i have moved out. I think it has probably been about a month now. The place I am living is not nearly finished, but it is a work in progress. Someday it will be done. Hopefully by the time school starts. I need a bedroom door. Maybe I will do that today.

I still have no friends to be wild with me. That is frustrating, but does not hold me back. I went to play poker by myself. It's not the first time, but it was the first time that men flocked around me and actually sat and waited their turn to talk to me! That was very odd. And damn it all to hades, the only one that I was attracted to is married. BLECH!

I also went dancing alone. I told Randy I was going to and where and for some odd reason he showed up. AWKWARD! But, the night was still great. I danced til I sweat and I danced with the cutest guys in the bar too! Lean wit it Rock wit it. Randy did not dance. He talked to girls all night. Whatevs. Later I found out the boys that I danced with, inappropriately I might add, were in their early twenties. I don't quite know how to feel about that. Hmmmm. Oh well.

Here is something I realized. I don't know the date that I moved out. Isn't it funny how we celebrate the wedding day every year and I have no clue what date my marriage technically ended. I guess it is like everything else in that relationship it just slipped on by and slipped away.

A few things I learned about myself in the last month:
1. I allow myself to get into terribly tempting situations.
2. I am a lot of a germ a phobe (I knew that before, but I didn't know the extent of it.)
3. I am really not attracted to my ex/husband, at all, not even a tiny bit and I really am one hundred percent sure that I do not want to be with him at all, not even a tiny bit! But oddly, I did feel a twinge of jealousy.
4. I am not afraid to sleep alone, I actually enjoy it, even in a basement by myself!
5. And apparently I am spunky.
6. oh and apparently red heads are desirable and it is because everyone's first girlfriend was a red head. So I keep hearing.
7. Mostly, I am braver than I think or could possibly conceive.

today

I am melancholy. I spackled the dry wall a little with some missionaries. Weird in oh so many ways. Bought beer in my work shirt. Came home and drank warm beer. Read messages on facebook and emails from old, long lost friends. Felt lonely. Felt disconnected. Felt that my mask of stoicism is slipping or maybe just a bit skewed. I am getting closer to crying. Not ready to actually succumb to it. It is all creeping up into my vision and the blurred lines are becoming quite apparent and too real.

destin

my first vacation with my boys. Amazing, challenging, relaxing.

out on my own

Friday night, I went to play poker. I had a bad beat, pocket pair of Jacks (mine) against pocket nines (his, and he was as annoying as a mosquito at midnight). He ended up with four of a kind. (I rarely, okay never use this word, but this guy was a douche. EEWWWW! I know, but he was loud, obnoxious and had a Boston accent just to twist the knife in a little deeper!) Needless to say, I was out. Oh and pretty mad. So I drove my angry little self home. It was only 10:30. As I drove in my car, I decided I wanted to go dancing. I grabbed my phone, but of course no one would go with me, I knew that. So I put it down and thought, what the hell. I make my own fun. So, I went by myself!
Things I learned while going dancing by myself:
1. you never sit alone long at the bar
2. the beer tastes just as good by yourself or with a gaggle of girls
3. instead of feeling alone, I felt empowered that I was brave enough to go whether or not someone was with me!
4. there are lots of nice girls that go dancing with husbands or boyfriends that don't dance so I always had someone to dance with
5. when I finally do feel that I am ready to find a man, it is going to be very easy to find one


But, it was definitely an experience. I think I have a broken nose now. I never thought that I could get a broken nose from dancing like a whore, but I did! Another hot girl, my age even, from Georgia even, with two boys even, was dancing wildly with me and flung her head back into my face and ta da! Bloody nose! I walked to the bathroom and by the time she caught up to apologize I was laughing about the whole thing! Has this ever happened to anyone else? She told me it wasn't funny and she was so sorry and so embarrassed and all I could do was laugh and try to contain the blood. Now my nose is bruised and even my teeth hurt! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. My first experience going alone.

But, here is some insight, well my insight. Whenever I had a friend going through a divorce I was ALWAYS the one to be the support and the one to drag them out of their house to dance and not sit on the couch bawling. Part of me is sad that I don't have that person to depend on for me as I go through this crap. But, on the other hand, what I learned is that I don't need that person. I am that person. I am my own support system. That makes me feel brave and strong.

Another sad, interesting issue: I read my horoscope this weekend. It said that when I say goodbye to someone (lover or friend) this weekend I shouldn't be surprised at their reaction. They are not as prepared for this goodbye as I am.

Randy is not talking to me this weekend. I packed all day Saturday and took two loads over to my sisters. I asked for his help and he ignored me. I called his phone and texted him a few times and he ignored me. I have so many mixed emotions about this. I am sad for him, but at the same time he had so many years to make me feel like I was his priority and he never did take innitiative. How did he think it all would end? I just have to keep reminding myself that any husband/father that would go to a strip club the night before mother's day and get nothing for his wife/mother of his children is not a man that respects or wants his partner. That one action really sums it all up.

new phone

I finally got another cell phone. It has been over a year. I hate cell phones. It seems like another reminder that we are not connecting with anyone, really. Oh well, I can text my kids and they enjoy texting me, only because they don't have their friends' numbers yet.

The phone is for when we are all in separate households, then we can keep in contact better. Isn't that depressing? Here it is, the real preparations in the moving and the breaking up of our family, now we will be his and mine.
The boys have all taken it (the divorce) well and look forward to having less people in one household, they think it will be easier to maintain and there will be less fighting. I hope they are right.
I am supposed to be moving in a week, but I can not bring myself to pack a thing. I buy a twelve pack of corona light and think if I am a little tipsy, well, just maybe I can even make it fun to pack and separate our one household into two. But, instead, I just drink three or four beers, watch Gossip Girl or some other brain numbing show and go to sleep. Nothing is getting done here. Well, except the mountain of laundry keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I know it is a mental block. So, maybe this weekend instead of beer, I will buy coffee and french vanilla creamer (I only like coffee if it tastes like candy). After three cups of coffee I should be able to tackle any size mountain whether it is made of laundry or my own mental rubble! Here's to coffee! And here's to sifting through the accumulation of a 16 year marriage.

fancy foot flip flop fiesta

So, this is what I do for a living. Tiny, fancy feet are fabulously fantastic! (our letter of the week was F)

divorce becomes her?

I don't know where to start. Life is one big experiment, isn't it? I go in phases of being really snide to my husband and just trying hard to be kind and love him or make him 'feel' so loved that he will feel like maybe he is doing the wrong thing by letting me go. I touch his cheek softly and hope that he realizes how very much he will miss my touch. I am under appreciated here, I know that. I deserve more of so many things in this not so haven-ish home. It is time to move on and in my romantic view of divorce I become I N D E P E N D E N T (do you know what that means). I see myself graduating from college, buying my own home and happily living with my happy children with no man to answer to and I am strong and wise and capable. There is not a codependent bone in my divorced body. But (isn't there always a but), sometimes I just feel afraid and tired. I do not want to be that woman I see so often in the divorced woman culture, that woman that defines herself by the man she can snag and is depressed because she is single. I want to be the woman that realizes that loving herself is the most important person to love and being alone is sometimes the only way to find that love of oneself. I want to be comfortable and proud of who I am. I want to be accomplished and satisfied with the life that I create for myself and my children. I want to feel that I contribute more than I take from this life. And I want to be confident and FEARLESS! I want to believe in myself so that I can believe in others. I want to experience that life is good . I want to really embrace the beauty around me and let it melt away all my bitterness and disappointment. I want true happiness. I want to believe!

today i am a sign seeker, for today

I noticed the magnolias are beginning to bloom! They smell amazing and they are wonderfully crisp and clean. The sign seeker in me says it is pointing to a new beginning for me! I love spring!

















For no particular reason at all, I decided to read my own tarot cards. I have my own Celtic Tarot deck which is for fun, but also insightful. I am questioning what the future holds for me with these amazing (and intimidating) changes that are happening right now. There are forty cards in a Tarot deck and I had to choose randomly from this deck after shuffling. This is what I chose:


In Celtic Tarot tradition this is the simplest layout to find a quick answer. This is what I interpreted from these particular cards and it is really kind of cool!
The first card is the keeper of letters: this could be considered a guide to what will happen on the future journey I will take. The keeper of the letters is the keeper of stories, tradition, and writing. (pretty cool considering my only constant desire has been to write)
The second card is the Woman made of Flowers: she is a representation of our inner self and the discovery of our inner self and true nature (which also is interesting because I am making all of these changes in my life to get back to who I feel I truly am.)
The third card is the Cow: the cow is a representation of wealth and well being. (totally what I need in my life and isn't there wealth in well-being?)
So all in all, it is good. (Remember these are out of a deck of forty different cards. Isn't the occult fun?)

today

When my own boys were little, if they saw me sitting on the floor, they used to just back up and fall, knowing they would land in my lap. They wouldn't even glance behind themselves. They would just plop down without a word. I really, really miss that.

broken record

I think I might be something like a motley crue song played backward right now, definitely not a Prince song backward, I'd like to be oh maybe flight of the bumblebee played backward. In fact, I think I'd like to hear that one right now.

save the trees please

The other day I was driving along in the car and I noticed a man blowing his nose into the lawn without a tissue. Ya know the kind, hold one nostril closed and shoot snot in a slimy projectile type goo! EWWW! (Yes I have done it too, while weed eating and mowing the lawn, while allergies attack like a terrorist!) I remembered this endearing moment with my eighty year old grandmother shooting her snot shot into the toilet, dear old, grey haired, bun on top, mamaw doing her part to protect the environment. NO TISSUE NEEDED! (save the trees please)

in the end

I keep remembering... years ago. This scene flashes through my mind and it puts things into perspective. I told him while sobbing that he was everything, that he was the witness to my life. He was the main character in all the experiences that were important and soul altering. I told him that no matter what, when I left this world, he had to be there for that too, either to welcome me or send me off from this world. I remember the wrenching thought that he wouldn't be there for everything else that came into my life and the pain that it brought. That was years ago. Now, I don't feel the same, I don't have the same belief or faith. That is truly sad. I'm moving out in two weeks.

easter

I went to church on Sunday. It has been over a year. It was a baptist church and it was easter. I like the concept of easter, the pagan concept that is... rebirth... rejoicing in the newness and celebrating fertility. Jesus beaten and hung on a cross does not appeal to me. Neither does a screaming pastor or whatever the Hell I witnessed sunday. I cried. They played loud music and clips of Passion of the Christ (which I have never seen because of the jesus beaten and hung aversion). I remember thinking as the clips played and the music surrounded us that if any of these Christians saw what was truly in my heart they would pity me I am sure, pray for me, and close their mind to me as well. Yes, tears fell down my face as Simon took the cross from Jesus, but not because I believed that Jesus was resurrected for my sins, but because of his suffering and another man's willingness to bare his burden out of love. That is a beautiful thing to see. The rest of the scenes were overly barbaric! There were young, young children in the congregation. It made my skin crawl. When the pastor started yelling about the risen Christ, we snuck out, one at a time. I sat in that church knowing that I am not a Christian. I felt almost like a fraud being there. I was not moved by the 'spirit' , though others may have thought I was. But, they do not know me and they do not know that the Disneyland commercial in which a little girl tells Mickey Mouse ,"I've waited my whole life to meet you" moves me more than the thought of a man (glorified by men) died on the cross so that I could be good enough for the god that created me.

Afterward, we dyed eggs and ate pizza and lasagna. We didn't even pray. We truly are heathens. I am going to read The History of God again. I am lacking spiritual edification.

not with a bang but a whimper

I am not sad, I have moments of sadness, but I am not sad.
I am feeling almost set free.
He brushed the hair from my face today. Why am I so weak that I mistake a tender touch for love?
He only sleeps or leaves now.
I don't understand why there is no argument except when I mention that we should work things out.
I know I don't want to fight or put effort into this.
I have always known where I stand.
this is the way MY world ends, this is the way MY world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.

brave

When one of my sons was young he used to ask for something. I would say,"no."
It went like this:
"Can I have a cookie?" from my tow-headed two year old.
"no."
"can I have a cookie?"
"No."
"I brave you.... can I have a cookie?"
What does that mean? What was he saying and where did he hear that word and was it I beg you he meant to say and where would he hear I beg you?

That is what I think of when I think of the word brave.

But, I need to brave, I am trying to be brave. I brave myself to be brave. It's time to move on and be brave.

ever?

Do you ever feel like you just don't exist? There is no real reason that I should think that there should be a connection somewhere, some when or with someone. I wanted one. I wanted a discussion, a jolt to my reality, something to make me feel that I was more than ethereal. But, there was nothing. The kids noticed me, like I was a bump in the middle of the night that woke them enough for them to yawn and turn on their other side. The husband spoke to me, but mostly avoided any real conversation, too painful maybe. More than likely, not ready to face the music. And here I am, alone in a house filled with people who don't really see me. If only I played world of warcraft, maybe then I could connect.

conditioning

I am a fan of deepak chopra. Something that he says really strikes a chord with me. He says that in our lives, as we grow up we must overcome the conditioning that we recieved as children. Hmmm. Just like a dog of Pavlov. And what conditioning am I forcing on my innocent children.
I see my kids' foreheads furrow and tone of voice deepen angrily and I know that they get that from me.
When I was young, when they were young there was so much innocence and curiosity and joy in us. Is anger conditioning? How do you overcome that? How do you help your children overcome outlooks that you have inflicted upon them?

things to start

on my road to self betterment here is my things to do list and it goes like this:
I want to start:
painting again (in curvy simple lines that create moving pictures for my own happy, yes happy)
writing in my journal or on this blog that only I read anyway (all the views are my own)
hiking in the appalachian mountains and actually pushing myself
watching less television (my life is being tevo-ed away)
exercising more and loving it
playing the guitar again, even if I sound horrible, I will play and sing until my voice and fingers are raw
scrapbooking (I have genealogical photos to put in a book, old ones just sitting in my closet)
going back to college (WHY AM I LETTING FEAR RULE ME?)
meditating (close my eyes and breathe)
expanding my mind (I feel my IQ dropping on a daily basis)
canoeing with my boys (there is nothing more bonding than hours of teamwork in a confined space)
taking more pictures to document these times in my life
listening more aptly when others speak
loving people more generously

outside

I eat too much.
I drink way too much.
I find that I am trying to fill the voids in my life with things that only create more voids and hangovers the next day.
I miss having babies and purpose and wonder.
I am sad and moody.
I lie to myself and think that I used to be happy back in the day, but I was sad and moody then too.
I lie to myself and think that if only:
I had more money, I could be a stay at home mom, I didn't have to work, I read more good books, I kept my house cleaner, and I spent more time with my kids, and made love to my husband more often, then, yes, then I would be HAPPY! But, it is a lie.
I am trying to change my outlook. Instead of listening to hateful music, I bought a Jason Mraz c.d.
Yes, it sounds shallow and non-life altering, but maybe if I start my day with Lucky or I'm Yours instead of Razor (foo fighters) I will be a little more optimistic. I find Jason Mraz is annoying as hell, but cheesy happy too.
I think maybe I miss having religion... Jesus, in my life... I'm sure that most Christians would say oh Yes Yes, if you were saved.... But, I remember how imperfect and stuffed into a box I was when I was Christian even though the thought of a higher purpose and a loving God is a shiny,
gleaming, wondrous, fairy-tale notion. I am a skeptic by nature and I suspect that even if an angel appeared at my bedside to tell me that God loves me and handed me a flaming haired baby girl, I would only shrug it off as a trick of the eyes and heart.
I need to get outside my own dirty, dilapidated mind and be more than a cesspool of diseased thought.
I don't understand why I am so good at the facade of being happy, but happiness does not absorb me.
I know I have SO MUCH do be grateful for, the list goes on and on and on, but still I am this, me.
I heard somewhere that it is programmed into the human psyche to never be satisfied and always want something more. It is a survival mechanism. Well, all I have to say to that is how shitty! I want to be satisfied. I want to just be... I don't want to have all this anger and dissatisfaction and mostly I do not want the indifference.
So, I guess I will start with Jason Mraz. And, maybe I will just hug my kids more than I usually do, or maybe tickle my 15 year old and ruffle the hair of my 14 year old. I will definitely cover my 12 year old's face with kisses even though he protests yelling gross with a huge smile on his lips. And I will definitely tell my 10 year old how amazing he is and I will go on that nature walk with my 9 year old and a camera to take pictures of the flowers of spring. I will find inspiration in a flower's new beginning and become cleaner and crisper and more vibrant in the spring sunshine and maybe even more optimistic. I'll find time to just revel in being.

haven't changed much

There was an experiment done with burgeoning talkers around the ages of 2-3 years. They discovered that 90% of a boys' vocabulary is sound effects, while 90% of a girls' vocabulary is completely about herself. I am hungry, I am sad, blah blah blah. Now that I am a grown woman I have discovered that 90% of my vocabulary starts with I... hmmm....

i had forgotten

I had forgotten that I created this blog. I read my only angry blog and discovered that I don't recognize the person that wrote that this time last year. Odd. Although, it was moodily descriptive. But, mostly angry. These days I am working toward a positive attitude and a healthier state of being. I want to be in a place mentally that I can be completely honest with myself and not covering my innermost feelings with coulds, woulds and shoulds. I know I don't always love the person I am, I am moody, judgmental, irresponsible and spoiled. But mostly I am evolving.